Reasons why you should probably never build a house/Advice to anyone who is

Matthew and I signed the contract on our new home in early April of this year after being promised a five month build-time, and here we are, seven months later, and our house is still at least a month out from being done. I know it could be worse, but still, this whole process has been incredibly frustrating, and I could never recommend it to anyone.

We chose to build because the homes currently on the market in our price range here in Austin were not nearly as nice as what you can get when you build at the same price point. Due to a very strong seller's market, resale homes are snatched up in hours or days after going on the market, and often for 20% more than asking price. We didn't love what was available when we were looking, so we decided to build. (contrary to what some people seem to believe, building a home is not more expensive than buying one resale. For example, if your price range is a $250,000 home resale, it does not cost a penny more to build a $250,000 home, and often the new-build is nicer and, obviously, new). That's where they get you. They reel you in, butter you up, make false promises, then break your heart over and over again, like a bad boyfriend. 

Here's 7 reasons why you should probably never build a house:

1. You will need to multipy every time frame they give you by 3 to 7 times. Oh, they say your floors are going in the 19th? That means they will put in half the kitchen tile on the 23rd, then realize it was the wrong tile (after half a day's work), tear it up, and start over. The kitchen floor tile will be two-thirds finished when the workers leave and do not return for four days. On the fourth day, they will return and finish the kitchen tile, as well as the tile in the hall bathroom shower. They will not complete the other two showers, the bathroom floors, the kitchen backsplash, carpet, or hardwoods for five more weeks.

Mind you, this is after your construction is already three months behind the promised completion date.

2. The builder will find a way to change things you paid for and were promised, and then make you feel like it's your fault and you're being an asshole for asking them about it. This will be emotionally confusing and you will wonder if you're going insane.

3. Sometimes 2 weeks will go by and the only progress will be one light socket. This will make you feel like stabbing someone repeatedly.

4. Your sales consultant and construction manager will continually over promise and under deliver. Don't ever believe them. Don't believe a single word that comes out of their mouths. See first point.

5. On a similar note, they tell you what you want to hear, not the truth, every time. When you sign that contract, they will tell you a build time of five and a half months. Budget for eight to ten, and then see if you still feel the same way about the house.

6. Don't bother building a relationship with your construction manager, because you'll go through three of them. Don't be fooled if the first guy gives you delicious, homemade canned pickles and tomatoes. The next day he will quit and you will never see him again.

7. If you're going to live with family during this process, you better really like each other and have a strong relationship. After about four to six months of said living arrangement, it gets old.

THE END.

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Matthew's Top 10 Things You Need to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse

Sunday night Matthew and I were laying in bed after a truly epic 10 hours of watching The Walking Dead marathon (I kid you not, we laid in front of the TV for ten straight hours, I might as well have been chained there for all I moved), and I said to him, "I have absolutely nothing to blog about this week. This entire day was consumed with the Walking Dead and I simply didn't have time to think about blogging. This sucks. WAIT, YOU CAN GUEST POST FOR ME."

Those of you who've been reading long enough may recall that Matthew is a bit of a "prepper." Not like the crazy ones you see on TV, but he enjoys preparing for worst-case scenarios.  So now... please enjoy Matthew's list of 10 Things You Need To Survive The Zombie Apocalypse.

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Jenni asked if I could write a top ten list of things people would need to survive the oncoming apocalypse.  I am by no means an expert, but I said sure, and now you get to read this literary masterpiece.   I don’t really think the zombies are coming, and nobody can stockpile enough supplies to last a lifetime.  In reality, making sure you have two weeks of supplies should be enough for you to weather the storm until things return to normal.  Most people don’t have supplies to last more than 2 days, which is a scary thought considering what lengths some people go to in order to survive.  So, without further ado, here is your “Top Ten Things You Need to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse That is Not Going to Happen But You Need This Stuff Anyways Because I Won’t Share With You.”  Seriously, I won’t share.  Anyone who tries to convince me to share will enjoy me sharing the barrel end of my shotgun in their face.

Grocery stores have something called “on demand warehousing.”  That means grocery stores don’t stockpile stuff like they use to.  Nowadays the delivery guy drops off goods about every other day.  Because of this almost every grocery store would run out of basic essentials within 3 days of the last delivery.

1.  Water:  In order make sure you have enough, you’ll need 1 gallon of water per person per day.  We have two dogs, so that makes 4 gallons of water per day.   If you decide to stock pile water, a good tip is to buy the Ozarka brand.  They come in 3 quart sizes, so you’ll need to buy a few extra to make up the difference (4 quarts = 1 gallon), but unlike normal milk gallon style jugs, the Ozarka brand is stackable to save space.

2.  Food:  The best way to stockpile food is to can it (hint Jenni). You obviously can’t store perishable items for very long, so the second best way is to just buy canned goods.  Remember that you’re getting just enough to get by, so you don’t have to clean out the grocery store.  It’s a good idea to get meals, like beef stew.  It’s an easy way to get your calories in, while not taking too much extra space in your pantry.  Another great way is get a bunch of Mountain House freeze dried camping meals.  They have a shelf life of 20 years and only require warm water.  The pouch they come in serves as the bowl so you don’t have to waste water on cleaning dishes.  And they’re delicious.  They need to be stored in a cool and dry place, not your garage or attic.  We keep ours in a closet.  But I’m not going to tell you which closet it is.  It’s booby-trapped.  

3.  Clothing:    If you’ve ever gone on a vacation with a guy, you realize how much stuff we forget.  I pack in like two minutes.  Seriously.  I always remember my tooth brush and that’s about it. I never remember my swimsuit.  Ever.  And we always go to the beach.  Clothing isn’t as big of a deal where we live because it doesn’t get very cold.  For those of you who live in cooler climates where it snows and the leaves change, I hate you.  Kidding.  I just miss the seasons.  Anyways, just remember that once the power goes out, the heater won’t work and we don’t need any more unplanned babies in this world.      

4.  Firearms.  Here is an area that many so-called preppers go way overboard (no babe…each gun we own is for a very specific purpose.)  Seriously, people will go out and spend all their money on guns and forget to spend any money or time making sure they have enough food.  Think about what I just said.  If they don’t have food and they need food, guess what they are going to use to get the food?  Even if you’re a diehard liberal and hate guns, don’t be naive.  Go buy a gun.  Guns don’t kill people.  It’s not going to wake up and walk itself over to your bed and hold you at gunpoint.  The only way gun violence will end is if there isn’t a single gun on the planet and that’s not going to happen.  Besides, we’ve been killing each other since before guns were invented and it’s not going to stop because people hold up signs trying to convince the president to ban ARs.   If you’re going to limit yourself to only one gun, then buy a 12 gauge shotgun.  Nothing is more proven for home defense and it’s a weapon that, if it ever came to it, you could hunt with it.  They are simple to use, ammunition is readily available, and you can pick one up for around $300.  Nothing strikes more fear in an intruder than the sound a shotgun makes when you load a round.  If you refuse to own a gun, then don’t advertise your decision.  Yours is the first house hungry people will be coming to and it doesn’t take very long until your neighbor, who you had lunch with last Friday, is pointing a .45 at you demanding food and water.  If you still don’t want to own a gun and would choose death because of your “principles,” then I hope you’re single and don’t have a family that you’d be putting at risk because you want to defend your home with a wooden spoon.

5.  Games.  Many people overlook how boredom can affect a person’s optimism.  In dire situations, a positive outlook can mean the difference between life and death.  I don’t think people will die of boredom in two weeks, but having something to do really helps to keep your mind off a tough situation.  Board games are a great way to pass time and a deck of cards always comes in handy.  I’ve chosen Monopoly and only Monopoly, because I’m incredible at it.  Jenni hates to play me.  It’s awesome to see her financial empire crushed by my impressive strategic maneuvering.  She’s amazing at Scrabble and she destroys me.  She thinks I put it in our emergency supplies.  I burned it.

6.  Medical supplies.  You should go through your medicine cabinet right now.  Ours was terrible.  We had medicine that expired in 2004.  Seriously, who keeps allergy medicine from nearly a decade ago?  A good first aid kit is something everyone should have and make sure that you have enough pain and cold medicine, allergy medicine, etc.  A good tip is to also refill your prescriptions early.  Most insurance companies will allow a refill after 20 days (meaning you have 10 days left until you’re out).  If you do this just once, then you’ll always have an extra 10 day supply in case something happens.  Just be sure to check the expiration date.  Whenever I get a refill, I separate a 10-day supply from the new batch and throw in last month’s pills into the new bottle.  That way I always have the freshest emergency supply.

7.  Pet supplies.  People often forget to stock up on dog food (or cat food).  Dogs can obviously survive for two weeks on human food if you forget, but getting an extra bag of dog food is such an easy thing to do.  Also make sure you have an extra supply of medication too and toys for them to play with.

8.  Emergency power.  We have a GoalZero power brick.  It’s kind of expensive, but it’s one of those things you wish you had when you need it.  I keep it plugged in and it stores enough power to run a small TV for 8 hours.  It can charge an iPad 12 times, an iPhone 90 times, and can run a radio for nearly 400 hours straight.  If the power goes out, you’re going to want something to keep your electronics charged and have a source of power for a radio to receive updates from emergency responders.  The smarter use is to keep your wife happy by using it to watch every Harry Potter three times.

9.  Lighting.  This ties into number 8.  If the power grid goes down, then you’re on your own when the sun goes down.  Flashlights are a good bet, but there are better options today than the old D battery Mag-lites.  I keep a solar powered flashlight on the dash of my truck.  It will provide light for 80 hours.  I also have a hand-cranked light that will provide 20 minutes of light for 30 seconds of cranking.  But if things get bad, just make sure you don’t attract attention by having your house the only house lit up at night.  Emergency generators are great, but not if you’re the only one on your block that has one.  Close your drapes at night to not attract attention.  

10.  For most of us, our preparations are limited to what our budget allows.  For those of you who can afford anything, I highly suggest that you purchase this, this, and this.  All three are highly necessary.

I really don’t think zombies are going to take over the world.  I do, however, think it’s vitally important to be prepared because no one can predict what’s going to happen.  Do you think the people affected by Hurricane Katrina ever thought they would be without food and water for three weeks?  What about everyone hit by Hurricane Sandy?  The Rodney King riots shut down grocery stores and gas stations for 8 days.  The Los Angeles earthquake caused nearly 6,000 people to be surrounded by concrete and the only method of evacuation was by helicopter.  Imagine placing yourself in a concrete fish bowl for two weeks without food and fresh water.   And let’s never forget what happened on September 11th, 2001.

Some of the preppers or survivalists take it way too far (I always wonder where they get their money to buy all this stuff because none of them ever seem to have a job?).  These people have built underground bunkers, walk around in bullet proof vests, build compounds in the desert with solar powered toilets, etc.  If that’s your thing, have at it.  To me, it’s taking it too far.  No one can store enough preparations to last until you die.  At some point, stockpiles run out and you have to turn to a self sustaining lifestyle (Jenni, please learn how to can food and bake bread.  You’d make me so happy).  A reasonable amount of preparations is something everyone should have on hand.  At the very least, it can provide you with a peace of mind that if something were to happen, you’d likely be able to weather the storm until things return to normal.

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Want more from Matthew? Check out the "Ask Matthew" posts Part One and Two. :)

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The actual internal monologues of Cooper and Gracie

Cooper and Gracie were born into the very same litter, but could not be more different. Please see below for actual internal monologues for each, respectively.*

*because I am the dog whisperer and I know these things.
**the following is based on true-life events.
***I'm sorry that Gracie cusses so much.

COOPER

Me: "Cooper, would you like to GO FOR A WALK?"

Cooper: What? Oh GOD, really? REALLY?! Oh my God! Mom, you have got to be kidding me! GAAHHH, this is incredible! This is the best thing ever!! I AM FREAKING OUT! Can we go now? Hurry up Mom! Where are your shoes? MOM HURRY!  AHH, I cannot contain myself! This is definitely the best day of my life! Weeeeeeeee!!!!!

Me: "OK, Cooper, I see that you're interested in the walk. Let's go." (puts on collar and leash with difficulty due to the squirming, and heads out the door."

Cooper: Oh my God, it's really happening!!! This is amazing! This is the most momentous occasion of my life! I will pee on all the things! It will be fantastic! (dives into a low bush, literally, and pees in it.) Oh dear, must save potties for other bushes as well... such as THIS ONE! (pees on next closest bush.)

Me: "OK Cooper, let's keep moving." 

Cooper: OK Mom! Whatever you say! This is so fantastic! LOOK! A man watering his lawn! Hiii Man Watering His Lawn! I'd stop and say hello, but this is the best moment of my life and I really cannot be bothered with you right now! Oh LOOK, a fire hydrant with lots of urination on it! I must urinate here as well! This is MAGNIFICENT!

*things continue in this manner for several minutes, until we see another dog walking with his mommy on the other side of the street*

Cooper: OH MY GOSH! A FRIEND! Mom let's go see him, please? Please? Please? PLEASE?! MOM! MOM! Let's go!" (Tugs at leash with all his might) A NEW FRIEND A NEW FRIEND A NEW FRIEND!!! Moommmm!!

*A few more minutes pass and Cooper pops a squat to poop.*

Cooper: Mom, I wouldn't be so fat if you walked me more. I poop on EVERY SINGLE WALK, YOU KNOW THIS.

After the poop, we start to run the rest of the way home. Cooper is feeling extra fantastic. 

* * * * * 

GRACIE

Me: "Gracie, would you like to GO FOR A WALK?"

Gracie: What? Oh! Yes! I think I would. Yes! I think I WOULD! This is wonderful! However, I feel uneasy about it. There is lots of danger out there. Many threats to our safety. Many enemies. However, I would still like to go for the walk. But I definitely feel uneasy.

Me: "OK Gracie, it'll be super fun. There really isn't any danger. Here, let's bring your muzzle in case there are any other dogs who get the bright idea to approach us." 

*Puts on collar and leash, and we depart.

Gracie: Oh my goodness! We are outside of the house! We are outside in the world! This is my dream come true!! But oh God, A MULTITUDE OF SMELLS. This is overwhelming! I feel threatened! I smell 14 other urinations on this first bush alone! I MUST NOW SWITCH TO HIGH ALERT. However, I will add my pee here as well, and then sniff around some more.

Me: "OK Gracie, this is called a WALK, not a SNIFF. Let's move on!"

*Gracie reluctantly complies.*

Gracie: OH MY GOD A MAN WATERING HIS LAWN! STRANGER DANGER!!! He must be eliminated! How dare he exist on the same Earth as us! This is terrible! I will definitely bite you, mister, don't come another step closer! I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU BUT I DEFINITELY HATE YOU!

Me: "Gracie, that man is across the street and THAT IS HIS YARD. He has every right to be there. Chill out, jeez!"

Gracie: Mom, I don't like him, I don't like him one bit. Oh! Some poop on the sidewalk!

*Things continue along these lines until we round a corner and encounter an orange tabby cat lounging beside a bush, just a couple feet away. Gracie lunges at it, and I struggle with her, holding her back with all my might as she writhes around, trying to get free of me.*

Gracie: A cat! OH GOD A CAT! Die mother *ucker DIE! How dare you lounge around like that! I will kill you for this!!

*Ninja Cat decides it's a good idea to attack Gracie and comes at her like a spider monkey, standing on its back two legs and batting at her with his front paws.*

Gracie: WHAT THE *UCK IS HAPPENING!! I knew these bastards were bad news, I KNEW IT! Mom, let me at 'em!! THIS IS THE WORST THING IMAGINABLE, WE ARE UNDER ATTACK! Deathcon Four! MUST ELIMINATE CAT-THREAT! RAAAHH!!!!

*I get Gracie under control and cat does the reasonable thing and runs up a tree before it gets ripped in half. We return home, my heart pounding out of my chest and Gracie's view of the world as a terrible place reinforced.

THE END.

(they really are very different)

(read Gracie and Cooper's sibling "love story" here)

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Don't go to bed angry, and other fallacies

Jacket: Stitch Fix (my fixes have been rocking lately!), Shirt: J. Crew, Jeans: Banana Republic, Boots: Franco Sarto, Glasses: c/o Penn Avenue Eyewear

Before I start this (very short) story, you will need some background info. You see, Matthew is a germaphobe. Germaphobe through and through, and this affliction condition trait has only worsened become more intense in him over the last year or so, because he has been sick pretty often and is just fed up with it, I suppose. So we are those people who bring Wet Ones to the movie theater and airport and restaurant and grocery store, etc. I distinctly remember our first date, when Matthew excused himself to wash his hands before dinner. I was like "what? Oh! Okay! I, uh, washed my hands a bit ago when I went to the bathroom (four hours earlier, oops). But I was impressed. A guy with good hygiene, nice!  Fast forward five years and his germaphobia is no longer quite as endearing, but it is what it is. He has good reason to be this way, so I try to be sensitive to that fact.  OK. Background info complete. 

Over the weekend, Matthew and I both woke in the wee hours of Saturday morning with sore throats, which is pretty much the most calamitous thing that could happen in Matthew's world, based on his long history with strep throat. Naturally, he blamed me for his affliction (since I am not nearly as clean as he is) and commenced banging shit around at 1:45 in the morning in search of cough drops. I thought to myself whatever! and rolled over and went back to sleep. Due to my excellent immune system (muhahaha), the bug blew right over me and never really turned into anything, but Matthew's blossomed into full-on strep throat. Despite that, he left for the ranch to help his dad out with some stuff, all the while harboring a grudge against me and my germiness, which came to a head that evening when we chatted on the phone, once again, about how insufficient my hand washing is, etc, etc, and how I should be more sensitive to his fragile state of health. I was (am) PMSing, and this has become a sensitive topic between us in recent months, so shit hit the fan and escalated until Matthew made the claim he would now cook all his own meals, and I was like "Great! You do that! Bye!" CLICK. 

We went to bed angry. Very angry. And you know what? EVERYTHING IS FINE. We talked about it the next day, both apologized, and it's aaaall good. I see no point in duking it out when everyone is tired and sick and/or on a hormonal rampage. That could definitely make things worse, and people could say things they never meant to say, and do damage. I don't know about you, but everything looks so much less unforgivable to me in the morning.

How does this tie into today's outfit post? Well, I feel the same concept applies to picking outfits. Sometimes it's just better to wait 'til morning, when you're not like "I AM NOT FASHIONABLE, I CANNOT EVEN PUT TOGETHER A SHIRT AND PANTS." Not that that happened.

Such deep thoughts this morning. Now go forth and conquer your day! ;)

Jacket: Stitch Fix (my fixes have been rocking lately!), Shirt: J. Crew, Jeans: Banana Republic, Boots: Franco Sarto, Glasses: c/o Penn Avenue Eyewear

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