A Very Large Poking Device

46 registered followers already?  Keep 'em coming please! "A Favored Life" was absolutely amazing!!!! The pro-life play that was put on by Good Hope Baptist Church was extremely representative of the emotions and struggles I faced when I found out I was pregnant 5 years ago.  I even got a little teary-eyed towards the end.  Great job to Rebecca and the entire cast!



Wow, 5 years ago.  Has it been that long?  I can remember Homecoming Week at Moon Area High School so vividly.  I remember that fateful Monday morning when I walked into my 1st period AP Government class wearing a black Native American wig complete with two pigtails secured by rainbow print cloth, a tan colored dress with a frayed hemline, moccasin shoes, and a feather necklace.  It was supposed to be "costume day" and I thought everyone at school would be participating.  Unfortunately, I was the only person in my entire 1st period class who actually dressed for the occasion.  I wanted to pull my large, messy wig over my entire face.  But everyone got a good laugh out of it...and I couldn't help but laugh at how ridiculous I looked.  Later that week, I had over 100 rushing yards and two touch downs during our powder puff football game, the girls swim team voted me Captain, and on Friday evening I was crowned homecoming queen.  With the exception of the costume debacle, what an amazing week!  I felt so good about myself, I was riding on an emotional high, and I felt like everything was absolutely perfect in my life.  When I found out two weeks later that I was pregnant, it was like a balloon deflating.  Watching the play on Saturday night reminded me of how I felt when I found out and how difficult the pregnancy was emotionally.  I'm glad that I had the chance to experience those emotions again because, for a long time, I tried to push those awful memories out of my mind.  While it was an extremely traumatic experience, I don't ever want to forget where I've been and what I've been through.  Remembering just how difficult those times were motivates me to push harder to help women in crisis pregnancy situations, to explain the consequences of teen sex, and to educate people about open adoption.  I'm thankful that the play was able to serve as a reminder for me to continue my pro-life advocacy. I think it helped me to renew my passion...: )



After the play, I couldn't think of a better way to celebrate than with my two of my best friends, Jacqueline and Julia Leonard (yes, Robbie's younger sisters).  I drove to Chapel Hill where Jacqueline is a senior at UNC, and the three of us reminisced about the good old days of Moon Township, and then we had a night on the town.  If you know anything about the Leonard family or myself, we love practical jokes and pranks.  As we sat at a table near the bar and sipped on a few casual drinks, we became antsy.  We took it upon ourselves to construct a very large poking device out of straws to tickle unsuspecting strangers' earlobes and necklines.  It was very similar to the giant poking device in the episode of Friends when they try to prod the big ugly naked guy to see if he's still alive.  This thing was easily 12 straws long!  The accuracy was amazing.  We quickly retracted the very large poking device before it could be detected by our victims.  No matter how I write it, I cannot describe how funny it was.  When more people became aware of our very large poking device, they began to point out victims for us to poke.  "It's like a facebook poke," Jacqueline informed everyone.



I think I might be slightly famous in Chapel Hill.  Apparently, many of Jacqueline's friends including some on the wrestling team have been following my blog.  When we saw them out on Saturday night, they greeted me with a nice warm, "Amstel!!!!!!"  I love it.  It's always good to know that girls and guys are enjoying reading the journey of a 23-year-old birthmom. 



Ever since little babe was born, I feel like I grew up way to fast.  Sometimes it's really hard to relate to people my age who haven't been through what I have, and I often feel like a 40-year-old trapped in a 23-year-old's body.  While it may seem a bit immature to be poking strangers' earlobes at the bar, I think it's times like these that I'm able to remember that I am only 23, and I should be able to relax and let loose every once in a while.  Even if that means constructing a very large poking device with two of my best friends...



"It is better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring."

-Marilyn Monroe

 

A Favored Life Tomorrow Night!

My roommate, Katy, is student teaching at Broughton High School this semester, and she mentioned my blog to the teacher she is shadowing.  This teacher started following my blog, and she loved our story so much that asked if I would come in and speak to her class about teen pregnancy and open adoption.  This morning, I spoke to a parenting/child development class, and I think it went pretty well.  It was especially relevant since they have been discussing the consequences of teen sex.  I brought in my huge photo album with pictures from Deanna's birth all the way through more recent pictures from this year.  That's a lot of pictures!  I also brought the NC State Technician and News & Observer articles for them to see.  At first, the students were a bit shy and they were hesitant to ask me questions, but eventually they warmed up and it actually made for some great conversation about teen pregnancy and other related issues. And the free Krispy Kreme donuts afterward?  Priceless. Here's Kitty...sitting pretty!

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 Pro-Life Play, "A Favored Life"

Date: September 19, 2009

Location: Good Hope Baptist Church

6628 Good Hope Church Road, Cary, NC, 27519.

Time: 6:00-8:30 PM

Free childcare services for children through 5th grade

Good Hope Baptist Church invites you to an evening of education and encouragement about the value of human life. Featuring an intimate and moving play as well as performances by the Good Hope Baptist Church Choir, this event will have a powerful effect on all who attend.

Have you experienced an abortion? Are you considering adoption? Do you find yourself pregnant and wishing you knew what to expect? Even if you have never experienced an unplanned pregnancy, do you have a friend who is going through any of these things?  You are not alone...there is hope!  Representatives will be present from: Birthchoice Crisis Pregnancy Center, Bethany Adoption Agency, 40 Days for Life, & Triangle Right to Life

Visit http://www.goodhopechurch.org/home/favored-life.aspx for more information!

23

Hey blog friends, here's something sad: I was forced to change all of the blog descriptions on my websites from "explore the journey of a 22-year-old birthmom" to "explore the journey of a 23-year-old birthmom." Yes, it's true...I am officially 23-years-old today.  Maybe I'm overreacting a bit, but I swear a saw a tiny wrinkle on my forehead this morning.  No joke.  I used to scoff at the thought of using sun screen and moisturizing facial lotions every day, but this isn't a laughing matter anymore!  It's SPF 60 24/7 from here on out!



Aside from the physical changes involved in getting older, I'm actually kind of excited to be 23.  Here's why:  every year since I've been 18 has just gotten better and better for me.  19 was better than 18, 20 was better than 19, 21 was better than 20, etc, etc.  You get the idea.  So I have really high hopes for the next chapter of my life.  



Ideally, during the next year, I'd like to have at least 100 registered blog followers (register now if you're not already!), start writing a book about my experience with unplanned pregnancy and open adoption, continue educating people about open adoption through public speaking engagements and blogging, promote the pro-life message throughout the Triangle, complete a triathlon, learn how to cook (well), host a fundraiser to support local single moms, and to become a successful, well-known public relations professional.  Whew, that alot!  Did I mention that I'm a recovering perfectionist?  A few years ago that list would have taken up at least three more blog posts.  I'm still working on setting realistic goals and standards for myself.  "Hi, my name is Amy Hutton and I've been clean from perfectionism for...3 minutes now." 



FYI, I just joined Twitter!  Follow me!



And now for my favorite quote of the day:

"Every time I want to say 'Happy Birthday' to you, I hesitate because of the one time you tricked people on April Fool's Day..."

-Billy Smith, one of my closest friends from PA

 

Interesting Email

I received an interesting email a few months ago. I meant to respond to it, but I actually forgot about the email until I began cleaning out my inbox this week.  So here's the gist of what it said (most sentences have been edited for grammar purposes):

"I was following your blog you sound so brave and full of life. I am glad that everything turned out well for you and your daughter.  But one thing strikes me. I did not find any answers to "why " you chose adoption. Was it not possible for you to keep your daughter?  Don't you have any regrets?   If the choice is between closed adoption or open adoption, open adoption seems best, but I think you will get many messages from birthmothers which will tell you you make things sound too rosey, too pinkish.  I know two women who committed suicide after their promised open adoption was closed by the adoptive mother; they felt betrayed.  I know someone who was hospitalized after having her second child for depression. There are so many not allowed to form a bond with their children and they visit like distant relatives. So that is the thing adoption is about loss first. Yes, you save a baby, but sometimes you give up the mother.  And I think you underestimate this. In a way, you advertise adoption. And that is what I do not like about your site.  This is the rosey open adoption story forums or Bethany adoption tells.  I think instead of helping women to give up their children to adoption, many more things should be done to help them raise their kids.  I think that some cases of adoption are not necessary, but women do not trust themselves and their maternal instincts.  They buy into what they are told until it is too late.  I think adoption is one of the worst things that can happen to a woman and to a baby."

I have chosen to respond publicly to this email because I think that it will help other people who feel similarly to understand where I'm coming from. 



First and foremost, thank you for reading my blog and for taking the time to contact me.  I believe I have addressed the issue of why I chose adoption many times throughout my blog.  I'll explain it again.  Ultimately, it all comes down to the fact that I could not provide the means (emotional, psychological, financial, you name it) to support a child at the age of 18.  Of course that wasn't an easy decision. In fact, it took me nine stressful months to figure it out and a long time afterwards to fully accept it.  Fortunately, I was mature enough to realize that my daughter needed more than Robbie and I could provide for her.  If love was all it takes to raise a child, then I'm pretty sure that we would have been the best parents ever.  But it does take a whole lot more than that.  After meeting Don and De, we realized that open adoption would provide Deanna with the absolute best chance at living a happy and successful life.  And with the added benefit of maintaining our relationship?  Priceless.  Open adoption has been amazing, to say the least.  Difficult at times, but amazing nonetheless.  



I completely agree that more needs to be done to assist women who choose to parent.  In fact, that's why I devoted four years of my undergraduate degree at NC State to establishing and leading a student organization that advocates resources for pregnant, parenting, and post-abortive students.  As the former president of Real Choices, I worked to set up a network of student moms, to provide free childcare services to student moms, and to meet with NC State administrators to help make student moms' lives easier.  I fully support these women, and I think what they have had the courage and ability to do it amazing; but I also believe that parenting is not always feasible and/or realistic. That's why I support adoption.  I want to make it clear that I do not advocate adoption before parenting.  I believe that open adoption can be a wonderful alternative for women who are unable to parent.



My heart truly does go out to any woman who has chosen adoption and regretted it.  I cannot fathom that type of regret.  But contrary to your prediction, I have not received "many messages from birthmothers" who have regretted their decisions or who think my blog is too "rosey or pinkish."  I have received so many messages from birthmothers, adoptive mothers, and adoptees across the country who have been so positively affected by open adoption that they want to share it with me!  And that is amazing.  By sharing my experience with open adoption, I have found that there are so many others out there who have experienced the greatness that open adoption has to offer.  So why don't we hear about the positive stories as often as the negative ones?  Because the people who are experiencing the positives of adoption aren't sitting around on their computers, sharing their amazing stories; they don't have time to!  These people are out living their lives and experiencing the goodness that open adoption has presented in their lives.  The people who have been negatively affected by adoption are the ones who are looking for some type of comfort and choose to share their stories online, in hopes of connecting with someone, anyone who has gone through the same difficult experience. I don't think there's anything wrong with that; it's just a simple fact that people are more likely to react to a negative experience than to a positive one.



You say that I am "too rosey, too pinkish" in presenting open adoption to my readers.  I must disagree.  I do not claim to be representative of every birthmother's journey.  This is my journey as a birthmother, and this is my documentation of how our open adoption is working.  And no, it hasn't always been easy.  It has been extremely challenging and difficult at times.  I suffered from severe post-postpartum depression for nearly two years after my daughter was born, and I had more than enough challenges to overcome when coping with the lasting impact of my decision.  My uncle died from a massive heart attack two weeks before Deanna was born, and I had to live with the guilt of not being able to attend the funeral and feeling like I caused more stress than my family should have had to handle at one time. I felt so alone, so scared, and so vulnerable.  There were times when I simply wanted to give up...but those were the moments that I truly learned to rely on my faith to make it through. 



I think the most important lesson I've learned throughout this entire crazy experience is that God has a plan for each of us, no matter what circumstances we are given.  I refuse to let these circumstances define who I am and what will become of my life.  Instead of wallowing in depression and living with a lifetime of regret, God has given me the strength to rise above it all, to grow even closer to Him, and to share my story in hopes of preventing abortion.  I can only hope that others will follow my lead and use their own difficult experiences as an opportunity to grow closer to Christ and to stand up for what they believe in.



And now for the million dollar question...do I have any regrets?  

That's probably the easiest question to answer.  Absolutely not.

Labor Day Weekend

You may recall that I was planning on visiting Deanna and the Dollars over Labor Day weekend.  Well, I did, and it was great.  I drove down to Myrtle Beach on Saturday morning and spent the day at the beach with Deanna and a gaggle (yes I used the word gaggle) of family and friends.  Deanna's aunt Susan, uncle Steve, cousins Kayleigh, Jenna, and Cameron, Mrs. Leonard, Jacqueline Leonard, Jacqueline's boyfriend Justin, and Julia Leonard were all there to spend time with the little babe.  The weather was perfect, and I even went into the ocean.  Not by choice, it was by default.  I was taken hostage against my will and catapulted into the frigid waters.  Okay, it wasn't so bad, I'm just incredibly dramatic and I love to exaggerate. 



The next morning, I found out that Deanna wakes up at 6:30 just about every day, and she likes to wake her guests up shortly after by jumping on their backs, going through their makeup bags, and trying on select pieces of their jewelery. And that was the end of my favorite pink lip gloss. 



There was a point during the trip when I realized how severe my OCD has become.  We went to a restaurant called "Duffy's" and you're supposed to throw your peanut shells on the floor.  Try as I might, I could not bring myself to get the floor dirty by contributing to the pile of shells.  The ever-observant Jacqueline Leonard called me out as a pile of shells collected on the table in front of me.  I took a deep breath and threw one shell on the floor.  Eww. I hated it.  It felt so wrong! I tried again.  A little better that time.  Finally I dumped the entire pile of peanut shells onto the floor.  I breathed a sigh of relief as soon as I realized that it would be okay to let loose from my perfectionist tendencies for one night.  Then the milk glasses came out (see pictures below) and all hell broke loose. 



Deanna is incredibly rambunctious.  I mean seriously, she goes non-stop from sunrise to sunset.  It's no wonder her metabolism is through the roof.  "Amy Hutton, you want to play with me?" she asked me.  "Of course!"  We played...and played....and played.  Of course, her cousin Cameron, who's 9, took precedence over everyone else (Deanna absolutely loves playing with Cameron).  We played hide and seek, dolls, and then we watched Deanna do gymnastics around the house.  At one point Justin and I even tried to participate.  Deanna's a limber one, that's for sure.  I think I pulled my groin trying to compete with Deanna's splits in the living room.  Check out the pictures while I apply more ice. 

DE, THE BABY IS CRYING!

I'm going to visit the little babe, Don, and De for Labor Day Weekend next week...and I'm so excited! The last time I saw the Dollars was in May at my graduation, which is the longest period of time I've gone without seeing them. I'm sure Deanna must have changed so much since the last time I saw her. She's in the 95th percentile for height and 6th percentile for weight. Don said he's going to start giving her protein shakes to gain some weight because her metabolism is through the roof!



Don called me last week and asked me a random question that sort of caught me off-guard. "Are you ever scared to be honest with De or I because you're afraid we won't let you see Deanna if you make us mad?" I sort of laughed. The ole jokester! I thought he was kidding. But he wasn't. Apparently a woman on an adoption website had told Don that the term "birthmom" was offensive to all birthmoms. Don told her that I am not offended by the term "birthmom," and the woman informed him that he wouldn't know if I was offended or not because I'd be too afraid to tell him for fear that Don and De wouldn't let me see Deanna again. Don obviously knows me better than to believe that, but he wanted to ask just to be sure.



My answer to Don was "absolutely not!" I'm not afraid to talk to Don and De about anything. While the term "birthmom" may be offensive to some women, it's actually a word that I am proud to identify myself with. I wouldn't have described my blog as, "the journey of a 22-year-old birthmom" if I found the term offensive or degrading in any way. I don't care what you call it, as long as you understand that my experience with open adoption is real, it's an incredibly positive part of my life, and I'm going to be completely honest about it. It's not the term; it's the concept behind the term that truly matters: giving a child a wonderful life and family.



I think the honesty and openness that we share in our open adoption is the glue that holds everything together. If I ever had doubts that Don or De would take Deanna away, then I certainly wouldn't have chosen them to be the parents of my daughter. I made a choice to allow them to make the decisions that they deem best for Deanna, and I stand by them in every single choice that they make. Whether it be an outfit to dress her in, a sport to enroll her in, a savings account, or even a college education fund. The excitement I used to find in visiting just Deanna has turned into an excitement for being able to spend time with Don, De and Deanna.



I think it's easy for people who are not directly involved in our open adoption to rush to judgment about the relationships that Don, De, Robbie, and I share. They do not understand what they have not experienced. But we have become an extended family, and it would certainly take more than a few "honest" statements to diminish the bond that we have built over the past 5 years. Essentially, Don & De adopted not only Deanna, but Amy, Robbie, and both of our huge, crazy, wonderful families. We adopted each other, and that's alot of love.



Four years ago, De and I shared a single hospital room with Deanna for 3 days and nights after she was born. I remember the single moment when I fully put my trust in De to be Deanna's mother. During the first night of our hospital stay, Deanna began crying in the middle of the night, and I was incredibly exhausted. I rolled over in the hospital bed and called to De who was sound asleep on the couch:



"De, the baby is crying..." : )

ENTITLEMENT

I had a meeting in Durham tonight with the Triangle Right to Life board members. We took care of official business, I updated the group on my Media Relations work thus far, and we began brainstorming ideas for promoting the pro-life message in the Triangle.

After the meeting was over, only a few women remained, engaging in small talk before we said our goodbyes. The woman whom I had written about in my previous blog post (Deanna, the one who wrote the book To Be A Mother) was talking about her book, and she got to talking about her experience with abortion and how she was finally called to adopt. Deanna said that after her abortion, she felt like God deserved to punish her for having an abortion by making her unable to conceive another child. This wasn't the case, as she eventually had two biological children of her own and adopted four more. She thought that she was "entitled" to a life without children because of her decision to abort her first child many years ago.

Another woman in the group, (we'll call D for privacy purposes), chimed in. A 28-year-old attorney, who has been a driving force in the pro-life movement, has always dreamed of having a family. D said that she thought she was "entitled" to the ability conceive a child because of the work that she has done involving pro-life issues and protecting the unborn. Unfortunately, she and her husband have been having a difficult time getting pregnant and are now focusing on adoption. D said, "It's funny because I thought that God was supposed to just give me with a child because of everything pro-life that I've done. I realize now that God works in mysterious ways and that we are not entitled to anything in life."

What a profound realization. I too am guilty of having felt entitled to certain things in life. When I first found out that I was pregnant, I was angry with God. How could He do this to me? I thought that because I went to church every week and I was generally a good person, that I should be entitled to a swimming scholarship in college. I never really did anything terrible (sinning a few times here and there, yes, but don't we all?), but those dreams went down the shitter when two pink lines appeared. I didn't feel like I was entitled to be a part of the plan that God was laying before me.

After I placed Deanna in the adoption with the Dollars, I kept hearing people say, "You will be rewarded for the sacrifice you have made because you have been so selfless!" I kept hearing those words resonate over and over in my head freshman year. When I ate alone in the dining hall or when I cried myself to sleep at night because I missed Deanna so much, I thought about those words. The entitlement. "When?" When am I going to be rewarded?!" I demanded of God. I thought that I was entitled to immediate happiness because I had obeyed what God had asked me to do: choose adoption.

Looking back, I can think of many more examples of how I thought I was entitled to something because of my actions. Since overhearing Deanna and D's comments tonight, I realize now that we are not entitled to anything in life. God knows exactly what He is doing. He works in mysterious ways, and who did I think I was to question Him?

Maybe I'm crazy, but I feel like I've grown up alot during these past 4 years. I am better able to see things that I could not see before. My boyfriend recently told me about an author who compares God's plan for us to a tapestry. Four years ago, my life was similar to looking at the back of a tapestry: the crazy strings, the unrecognizable patterns, all of the confusion. Now, I am finally able to see the front of my tapestry. It's a beautiful picture that God created...and I like what I see.