Ask Amstel

I received this email today: 

"Thank you for sharing your story.  It touches me to see two families become one.  I am writing to you for hopes of being able to see a situation from the birth mom's point of view.  My husband and I are adopting a baby boy next year.  My childhood best friend's sister became pregnant and is unable to care for the child.  When we initially all sat down we agreed that she would have a few hours with the baby to say good bye.  (We are having an open adoption with her visiting monthly).  Now we have run into a road-block.  She and her mother think that she should have the entire hospital time for her to say goodbye, allowing my husband and I to visit for two hours a day.  My husband and I don't believe that this is enough time.  I came up with what I thought was a middle ground where we could come in every few hours or so for feedings.  But the birthmother does not agree with this.  I understand that she needs time to say goodbye, but my husband and I also need time to say hello and to bond with our son.  Now I know you can't tell me what to do or what the right thing is but I was hoping to hear how your hospital stay time was handled and how you felt it went for you and the adopting parents.  I need some insight on this.  I would think the more time the birth mom spends with our son it may be more difficult for her to let go.  Please HELP!!"

Thank you so much for contacting me.  First of all, congratulations on the adoption!  You all must be so excited.  It's encouraging to know that you are reading about my experience with open adoption. Unfortunately, while open adoption has the potential be incredibly positive for everyone involved, that doesn't mean that there won't be road-blocks along the way.  This is a really tough situation you have described, and I completely understand where both parties are coming from.  The hospital experience will be one of the most difficult and delicate times that you, your husband, and your birthmom will experience throughout the entire open adoption journey.  It's completely normal for the adoptive parents and birthmom to have different ideas of what the hospital experience should be like.  

I had a close relationship from the start with our adoptive parents, Don and De, and while I was originally very protective of "my baby," I began to slowly open up to them after getting to know them better.  After becoming very close with them, I wanted Don and De to be a part of the hospital experience because I wanted to be able to share that with them. But not all birthmothers are alike, of course.  Your birthmom may still be protecting what she believes is hers--her son--and rightfully so.  She may not be willing to open up to you completely because she is still struggling with her decision.  And that's normal!  Remember that any adoption is only a verbal agreement until the papers are signed, and that the birthmother or adoptive parents may change their minds at any time until then.  That being said, I clearly remember a standout remark from Don and De before Deanna was born.  They told me that no matter what decision I made, to keep the baby or to place her with them, they would be so happy for me and they would accept my decision.  That spoke volumes.  Really?  They won't be mad at me if I keep her?  That said alot about their character, and it showed me that they didn't just care about "getting a baby" but they cared about Amy Hutton as a person. I immediately knew that these were the people who I wanted to raise my daughter. 

Have you expressed interest in your birthmother's well-being?  Does she know that you care about her too?  The bottom line is that she may decide after the baby is born that she wants to keep him, but that most likely won't be affected by the amount of alone time she has with him.  In fact, there are some states that allow birthmoms to spend days, even weeks alone with their baby before adoption is finalized.  If anything, she may even realize how difficult it is to take care of him by herself.  I think (and hope) that your birthmom will be very appreciative if you and your husband allow her to have the space and time she is requesting to have alone with her baby in the hospital.  After all, if you don't honor her request, can you really expect her to compromise on other issues you may have?  Will she be able to trust you with her child?  These are all tough questions she may have if you don't show her that you can respect her wishes. 

I think that bonding with the baby is very important for you and your husband, but I also think that honoring your birthmother's wishes is more important.  Remember, you are laying the ground work for a long journey ahead.  It will take compromise, but this will be the first step in figuring out how things will work.  I encourage you to ask birthmom more questions about the hospital.  Is she afraid of anything?  Will you be in allowed in the hospital room during the birth?  Who will cut the cord?  Will you be able to hold him first or will birthmom?  Could you possibly take a hospital tour with birthmom beforehand to ease fears and to become accustomed to the environment?  There are so many other issues that you may be able to compromise on in exchange for giving her time and space.

It's tough to pinpoint an exact solution because each open adoption scenario is different.  I know it will be difficult to have to wait a few days to really bond with your son, but keep in mind the other side of the equation:  Birthmom is probably thinking that while she only has a few days alone with her son, you and your husband have the rest of your lives with him.  No matter how you look at it, the hospital experience will be a time of intense emotions, uncomfortable situations, and endless compromise.  I think it's excellent that you and your husband are preparing for this time and really thinking about how to compromise fairly.

A final suggestion I have is to try and bond with birthmom as much as possible during these next few months.  Have a family dinner together, get to know each others relatives, friends, and people they know.  What do these people have to say about each others character?  Encourage everyone to ask questions about anything and everything under the sun.  No questions should be off limits because the key is getting everything out on the table in order to eliminate fears and to build a solid foundation for your relationship to grow.  And who knows, perhaps she will open up and ask you and your husband to visit more often in the hospital once baby has arrived.  Of course, this is an ideal scenario, but only time will tell.  

I know that this probably isn't what you and your husband wanted to hear, but remember that I'm coming from a birthmother's perspective and I am partial to this side of the equation.  Please don't hesitate to ask me about any other questions or concerns you may have.  I'm happy to help in any way that I can!  Best of luck to everyone involved in your open adoption.  Remember, if you keep your child's well-being at the center of every decision you make, you will have so many positives to look forward to. 

National Right to Life Urgent Request

URGENT Press Release from National Right to Life:



WASHINGTON (UPDATED Nov. 4, 2009) --

Pro-abortion Democratic Speaker Nancy Pelosi (Ca.) is planning to try to ram the massive health care bill (H.R. 3962, previously H.R. 3200) through the U.S. House of Representatives this week. The most critical roll call will occur on a procedural vote -- called "the Rule" -- that is expected to occur late on Friday, November 6, or Saturday, November 7.



National Right to Life is urging every pro-life citizen to immediately TELEPHONE the Washington, D.C. office AND the in-district office of his or her representative in the U.S. House of Representatives with a clear and firm message: "I am a constituent, and I urge you to vote NO on the Rule on the health bill, H.R. 3962, because it does not allow the House to vote on the pro-life Stupak Amendment [pronounced STEW-pak]. The so-called pro-life language that Speaker Pelosi has put into the bill is completely phony. We are not fooled. A vote for this Rule is a vote to set up a new nationwide federal health insurance program, called the "public option," that will be authorized to pay for abortion on demand with federal funds. The only pro-life vote is NO on the Rule on H.R. 3962."



Even if you have already called and written your federal representatives about the health care bills, it is critical that you call again now. Pelosi's party currently controls the House by a margin of 256-177 -- but if as few as 40 Democrats are persuaded to vote with Congressman Stupak in opposition to the "closed rule," it would be impossible for Pelosi to ram the abortion-funding H.R. 3962 through the House. Time is short.



To read NRLC's November 2 letter to U.S. House members, explaining in detail the pro-abortion problems with the bill, click here.



TAKE ACTION NOW!



In order to register your opposition to Speaker Pelosi's strong-arm tactic, the "closed rule," that would allow passage of the pro-abortion H.R. 3962, please click the red phone above and then enter your zip code into the "Call Now" box. You will be shown the phone number of the person who represents you in the U.S. House of Representatives, along with specific suggested "talking points" for what you should say to the staff person who answers your call. NOTE: The best times to call the Washington, D.C., office of your representative is generally between 9 AM and 6 PM Eastern Time.



Encourage like-minded friends and family members to also make such calls.

After you enter your zip code, review the short talking points, then make your call. After the call, you will also be given the option of sending a short "feedback" report to National Right to Life by e-mail, telling us what response you received from the congressional staff person. These feedback reports are invaluable to the National Right to Life legislative team as they work day and night against enactment of this pro-abortion legislation. However, don't worry if you don't get an answer to your question - the most important thing is that your representative's staff registers that you want the representative to vote NO on the pro-abortion "Rule" on H.R. 3962, and that you INSIST on adoption of the real pro-life amendment, the Stupak Amendment.



NOTE: If you wish to also fax a letter to your representative in opposition to the "rule" that would allow passage of the pro-abortion H.R. 3962, click here to reach the page that, once you enter your zip code, will lead you to detailed information about your representative in the U.S. House of Representatives, including (in most cases) his or her fax number. Faxed letters are an excellent way to register your opinion. (But do NOT rely on U.S. mail to communicate with your federal representatives, because time is too short.) This link will also give you phone numbers for your representative's in-district offices. For maximum effect, phone your message to the nearest local office, during local business hours, as well as to the Washington, D.C., office of your representative, between the hours of 9 AM and 6 PM Eastern Time. The same page will offer you information on how your representative has voted on the key pro-life issues that have come up in the past.

For further information: Douglas Johnson Legislative Director National Right to Life Committee (NRLC) Washington, D.C. 202-626-8820 Legfederal@aol.com

To contact us by mail: National Right to Life, Inc. 512 10th St., NW Washington, DC 20004-1401 http://www.nrlc.org/ahc http://stoptheabortionagenda.com

I Love

Disney World

Guess who experienced Disney World for the first time last week?

Deanna Marie Dollar! 



Also present:

Deanna's mom and dad--De & Don

Deanna's birthfather--Robbie

Robbie's mom--Mary Beth 

Robbie's sister--Jacqueline

Deanna's birth 2nd-cousin--Caroline

Mary Beth's sister--Aunt Barbara  (Caroline's mom)

Mary Beth's brother-in-law--Uncle Todd (Caroline's dad)

And a whole gaggle of other friends and family.



No, Amstel didn't make the trip this time, it's always nice to see how our families continue to stay connected in each others lives--not because we have to--but because we want to!  



And yes, that's Mary Beth wearing the awesome pirate hat.  Arrrrrrr...

Project Rachel

I'm a bit of a hypochondriac.  Okay, I'm a huge hypochondriac.  There was the time two years ago when I was walking with my friend Natalie, and I felt an unusual bulge on the back of my knee/leg.  I reached down to feel the bulge through my jeans, and I freaked out.  I thought I had an abnormal growth or some sort of tumor.  Turns out, it was just a turquoise thong that had gotten stuck in my pant leg in the wash.  



Then, a few months later, I had an unusually sharp pain in the side of my lower abdomen.  I immediately got on Web MD, went through the "symptom checker" and I realized that my appendix was probably getting ready to burst.  I freaked out again!  I was minutes away from heading to the emergency room, when my friend Emily's mom, who's a pharmacist, suggested that I take a warm shower and see how I felt before taking such drastic measures.  Well wouldn't you know, after the shower I felt like a million bucks. 



Finally, just this past week, I thought something was seriously wrong with me.  I've been incredibly tired lately, and I could not figure out why.  I've been sleeping more than 8 hours a night and napping 1-2 hours after work every day.  I started thinking of all the worst case scenarios.  Maybe I have cancer?  I'm probably Anemic. I have mono. No, I probably got bit by a tick while camping a few months ago!  I definitely have Lyme disease.  As you have probably already conjured, my mind gets slightly carried away (okay, extremely carried away) when my health is involved. Finally, I went to see the doctor, and I had my blood tested.  No anemia.  No Lyme disease. No mono. Slightly elevated thyroid levels, but nothing to be too concerned about.  I worried myself into a tizzy.



During my time of anxiously waiting to get my test results back, I did alot of thinking.  I prayed alot, and I came to the realization that worrying gets nothing accomplished.  Nothing!  Easier said than done, right?  I always talk about trusting in the Lord and knowing that He is always good, but at a times like these when I feel that things are out of my control, I begin to worry, moving myself further away from God.  I'm human though, and I'll be the first to admit that trusting in God is not always easy, and practicing what you preach is not exactly easy either.



Back in November of 2004, I gave a speech to our entire school (for a mock presidential debate) about why abortion is morally, ethically, all of the above, etc. wrong.  Later that same night, I went to my best friend, Jena's house, and took my first pregnancy test.  Positive.  Talk about having to practice what you preach!  No, I wasn't ever considering abortion, but for the first time, I realized how a woman could actually think that abortion was necessary.  When I found out that I was pregnant, I felt trapped.  "But I'll never do it again," I pleaded with God.  It would have been so easy to secretly have an abortion and to continue swimming and just living the good life.  Nobody would have ever had to know. But instead, I realized that I had a moral obligation to give life to the child that God created.  (Jeremiah 1: 4-5 The word of the Lord came to me saying, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born, I set you apart") 

I knew that I had to practice what I had been preaching all along. That's big stuff for an immature, irresponsible 18-year-old.  But, somehow, I knew that this is what God wanted me to do.



Here's what the Bible says about abortion: 



Jeremiah 31: 15-17

"A cry of anguish is heard in Ramah--mourning and weeping unrestrained.

Rachel weeps for her children, refusing to be comforted--for her children are dead."



..But now the Lord says, 

"Do not weep any longer, for I will reward you.

Your children will come back to you from the distant land of the enemy.

There is hope for your future," says the Lord. 

"Your children will come again to their own land."



There are so many other examples of abortion throughout the Bible, but I like this one because it clearly shows how, although the slaughter of innocents is sinful and wrong, the children "will come back...from the distant land" and Rachel is comforted in knowing that her slaughtered children will be saved.  This verse offers HOPE and FORGIVENESS to post-abortive women, and guidance to those who are considering it.  We are all human, and yes, we are sinful by nature, but God tells us that He forgives us for our sins. The children will be saved. Doesn't that offer you great hope?  Yes, God is good!



Project Rachel reaches out to all women and men hurting emotionally and spiritually after involvement with abortion.  This ministry helps heal your wounded relationships with yourself, your child, and God.  Extending God's compassion, unconditional love, and forgiveness, Project Rachel offers hope and peace.

To find the location of the nearest Project Rachel near you, 

click HERE.  



"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." Genesis 50:20

Creating an Online Journal for CPD

The importance of careful thought and reflection on what we do as both teachers and learners can not be overestimated in terms of the learning process and retaining information in a way that we can actually use it and make it part of our experience and practice.


Keeping a teaching or learning journal can be a really important part of this process of reflection and writing entries can help us to reformulate what we have read or analyse our experiences and draw conclusions from them which we can later return to, share and reflect on again.

For me Penzu is a really good tool which can help me and my students or trainee teachers to do this.

How to create your learning journal

• Go to: https://penzu.com/ and click on ‘Sign up’.

• You will need to create a password and enter a username, email address and agree to the terms of use. Then you just click on ‘Submit’.



• You can then start creating your journal entries by adding a text and title. Each entry is dated automatically and you can move from one entry to another using the tabs on the right of the page.

• To add pictures, you simply click on the ‘Insert Photo’ icon at the top of the page and locate an image on your computer and upload it.

• Once you have uploaded your pictures you simply click to insert the ones you want to use.

• The picture will appear in the margin and you can then drag it up or down to line it up with the text. Users click on the images to enlarge them.

• To share journal entries you click on the share icon and this enables you to email your entry to someone else. You can either include your name and email along with a message or this can be done anonymously.

How we can use Penzu as a journal tool.

• We can write short summaries of articles we have read and make a note of what our personal main points of interest or learning were from the article.
• We can keep a journal of our teaching or training work and reflect on how classes went, compare these to our expectations and make notes of things we would like to try differently next time.
• We can use it as an action research journal recording what we do in each lesson and setting out our objectives for the action research project. We can also ask students to use it to keep a journal of their reflections on our teaching and we can ask them to send us entries anonymously so that we can get unbiased feedback from our students on our teaching.
• We can include it as part of a peer to peer development program and partner up teachers to watch each others classes, reflect on what they saw and send each other entries.
• We can use it as a simple record of what we did in the class and what we want to do to follow it up in the next class.
  

The vital thing with all of these activities is that we return to our entries and reflect on what we wrote some time later. Immediate responses to what happens in our classes can be very subjective and emotional. If we record those responses and then come back to them at a time when we can be more objective we are often able to gain much greater insights into what happened in the class. In this way the journal enables us to capture thoughts and feelings that would otherwise be lost.

What I like about Penzu

• It’s free and very simple to use.
• The entries are private, but be can be shared
• We can add images to make the entries more memorable
• It can be accessed from anywhere
• It’s quick and date stamps entries for us

What I’m not so sure about

• It would be nice to be able to add a few hyperlinks (I think this is possible in the ‘Pro’ paid for edition.
• It would be nice to have the option of having images in the text rather than just in the margin (again, probably available in the ‘Pro’ edition)

Well that’s about all I have to say about Penzu for now. I’ve focused on its uses as a tool for teacher development here, but it is also a great tool to use with students too. For more information on using Penzu with students check out my teaching manual Web 2.0 Tools for Teachers, which you can read or download for free.

Related links:

• A Complete EFL Teacher Training Course Online
• Using wikis for teacher development
• Create your own social network 7 steps
• Three Views of the Future of English Language Teaching
• Teachers' Stories
• ELT classroom videos
• Social Networks and the Web 2.0 Revolution: Part 2
• Create your own social network 7 steps
• Creating an Online Classroom
• What are you Wanted for?

Best

Nik Perachey

Sights and Sounds at the NC State Fair

As I mentioned in my previous post, I volunteered to man the North Carolina Right to Life booth at the NC State Fair yesterday.  What an awesome experience!  Here are some sights and sounds that I observed:



1) Many passerbys were intrigued by our "fetal development" display, which showed four realistic looking fetuses at different stages, (immediately after conception, 4 weeks old, 3 months old, 20 weeks old, etc.)



2) While observing the fetal development display, one woman said to her boyfriend, "I never knew that a human life could be so tiny!" Yes, girlfriend, you got it.



3) Pregnant women walked up to fetal development display and exclaimed excitedly, "I'm this far along!" while pointing to various fetuses.  I could feel their excitement, and that's exciting to me. 



4) Young boy was looking at fetal development display with his mother. Boy says, "Where dey're clothes be, mom? Those babies are naked in there."  Mom can't stop laughing and finally replies, "Babies don't have clothes on, Jamal!"  Boy exclaims, "You mean I wasn't born with no clothes?  That's gross!"



5) Engaging in an interesting discussion with a pro-life family.  The woman proceeded to ask me about which mascara I use, and I told her Maybelline Full 'n Soft.  She pulled out her own mascara and asked me to show her how to apply it properly so as to get her lashes long and curled.  Before I knew it, the pro-life display miraculously turned into a make-up booth.  I showed her how to turn the wand backwards while applying it to her eyelashes, and then I quickly moved on.  Gosh, I love people.



6) Inappropriate man commenting on the bumper sticker that read, "Abortion Causes Breast Cancer."  He suggested that we have a new bumper sticker made that should read, "Stay Pregnant, You're Breasts Will Be Larger."  I told him I would promptly pass that bumper sticker request along to the Right to Life president.



7) More than 10 whole pages of signatures received for the petition to make sure that taxpayer money is not used to fund abortion in any health care bill.  Ahh, success.



8) Morality/Ethics discussion with three male college students.  I liked listening to their points, especially that it should be a woman's right to choose, but I think I forced them to think harder about the issue, by explaining that the Declaration of Independence states that we are guaranteed the rights that are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.  Without the first right, "the right to life," there are no other rights an individual can enjoy. Individuals have rights only to the extent that their rights do not infringe on the rights of others. 



9) For the first hour, I was the only person working our booth.  As I grew more and more parched, I noticed that my booth was near another booth which had a large display of trickling water.  Isn't that so typical? My boyfriend came to the rescue with H2O just in the nick of time.  Then he helped me man the booth.  Yeah, I know, he's awesome. 



10) After 3 hours of work, tired feet, butter pecan ice cream, hamburgers, french fries, a variety of mullets in all shapes and sizes, and carnies galore, we finally got to enjoy the Eric Church concert later that night.  Eric Church had a broken foot, but that certainly didn't stop him from jamming out. He made a grand entrance by crutching onstage and hobbling around.  Priceless.



In light of the State Fair theme, I'm going to leave you with some of my favorite haircut pictures of all time.