Well, it looks like the resounding response to the pepperoni roll poll is that most of you would have either thrown the pepperoni roll...or found something far more substantial to throw. Either way, GOOD answers people. I like where your heads are at.
In other news, the squirrel that I ran over last week has not appeared inside my vehicle to commit a surprise retaliation attack. No worries--my guard is still up.
Obviously I haven't been thinking about this too much.
Okay, you're right--that's a prairie dog--I tried.
I've noticed that more people than usual have been reading and commenting on my blog and linking their blogs to Amstel Life. I am so completely overwhelmed and thankful for the positive response I've gotten to my blog; our story. Every time I read a new comment or email, I am constantly reminded of the impact that sharing our story has had. I think that's what makes it easy for me to be so open in sharing my experience as a birthmother. I know that somebody out there is learning something new about open adoption, and that's awesome. People often refer to our open adoption as the "ideal situation." I am beyond flattered that some people think of our open adoption as ideal. I hope that people also recognize that "ideal" doesn't have to mean "rare" when it comes to open adoption!
I noticed that Laurel from Laurel Blogs wrote on her post (Some Good Stuff) that she loves to read my blog because of the awesome relationship I have with my daughter and her adoptive parents. Thank you! Laurel also wrote, "(And please don't leave me comments that say, "But Laurel...adoption just sometimes doesn't work out that way..." because I know this. I'm talking in an ideal world, here.) Laurel brings up such a great point. I often hear people who say to me that this type of situation just doesn't work out with most people. I often find myself questioning what we did so right to end up in this kind of "ideal" situation. I know that "ideal" has a different meaning for everyone, but to me, an ideal open adoption is one where everyone respects each other, everyone openly communicates their thoughts and feelings, and most importantly, everyone puts the child's well-being at the forefront of every decision. So how exactly do we make our open adoption work? Here are some things that have worked for us..
1) If you are a prospective birthmother, choose an adoptive couple/family who you could see yourself having a strong relationship with many years down the road. Choose people with similar interests, values, and morals as your own. You're going to have to do a ton of research, but get to know as much as humanly possible about each other before the actual adoption. The more couples you interview, the better chance you have of finding a perfect match for you. If you're not comfortable with an agency, ask family, friends, and co-workers if they know anyone who is looking to adopt. Sometimes, the best match can come from someone who knows someone who knows someone. In fact, that's how we met each other!
2) If you are a prospective adoptive couple, once you are matched with (or chosen by) a birthmom, start to build your relationship soon, but as naturally as possible. Don't ask questions about the baby as soon as you meet. Concentrate on getting know each other first. When Robbie and I first met Don and De, I was so stubborn. I didn't even want to consider adoption. But Don and De started by asking Robbie & I questions, not about the baby, but about us. I could tell immediately that Don and De were interesting in getting to know us as people and not just trying to get a baby out of the deal. Yes, I know, that's not always feasible to tell if someone genuinely cares about you at first meet, but that's why you must continue to develop your relationship further before the actual adoption...and afterwards too.
3) As your relationship continues to develop, start asking more personal questions. Eventually, you should ask each other every question you can think of under the sun. Nothing should be off-limits to talk about.
Some things we thought to ask each other included:
-Are you ever going to try adopting again?
-Do you anticipate having to move away?
-How will you discipline you children?
-What type of life insurance, college fund, etc. will you set up?
-Should something happen to you both, who will take custody?
-Will you both be working, or will De be a stay-at-home mom?
-How often do you anticipate we will be able to visit Deanna?
-How will you tell Deanna about her adoption?
-Will we see Deanna less as she gets older?
-May we speak to your family and friends to ask them some questions about you?
-And the list goes on....
4) Interview family and friends of the birthmom or adoptive couple you are considering. What do these people have to say about their character, lifestyle, morals, etc? Find out as much as you can from the acquaintances of the people you are considering. Open adoption is a verbal agreement, not a signed contract, so do as much as possible to build a relationship based on trust and respect for each other.
5) Do activities together before the birth. De and I had a joint baby shower together. She got baby clothes and strollers, and I got college supplies, bikinis, and skinny jeans. It gave me a lot to look forward to (namely, college and not having kankles). Sometimes, however, a baby shower can be too much. That's okay! You can do other things together like cook a family dinner, go shopping, or help to decorate the nursery. If it's not too much, you may even consider going to doctors visits together. The best part about open adoption is that you have the ability to set limits, to decide together what works and what doesn't, and to build a relationship with the people you will likely share a special bond with for the rest of your lives.
6) Decide on a birth plan before the hospital. Birthmom Buds is an awesome birthmom network, and the founder, Coley, has created a medical brochure titled "Defining Adoption Guidelines for Medical Professionals" and the hospital action plan that coincides with it. The medical brochure is made to educate hospital staff, doctors, nurses, etc. on adoption from a birthmother's perspective in the hopes to create better hospital experiences for birthmothers. The hospital action plan goes over most of the aspects of the hospital experience for a birthmother and allows her to write in her desires and wishes for her hospital stay. It can then be shared with the adoptive parents if they are participating in the labor and delivery in anyway so that everyone can be on the same page regarding her desires. Visit http://www.birthmombuds.com/hospital.htm for more info.
7) After the birth, learning the boundaries of open adoption will be difficult at first. You can talk about what to expect until you turn blue, but everything after the birth is a whole 'nother story! You'll learn as you go, but as long as you continue to communicate and be honest with each other, things should start to come together eventually. I can't stress enough how important communication is in open adoption. Since our open adoption was very open, sometimes I had a hard time saying no to visiting. After a long day of class, sometimes I felt guilty for saying no to stopping by to see De and Deanna. There were times I just needed to take a break and be alone. I learned to take care of myself first and to visit only when I felt emotionally ready. And that made our visits so much better.
8) Counseling, counseling, counseling. Counseling. This is especially targeted towards birthmothers, because I know how much this has benefited me, but counseling at some point is probably a good idea for everyone. Birthmoms, you have got to take time to heal. It took me a long time (almost 2 years) before I was finally ready to open up and share my experience with open adoption. I was mad at the world for a solid 24 months! But counseling helped me first to heal emotionally, second to accept the decision that I made, and finally to realize the impact my story could have on others. Did I mention that my counselor at NC State was amazing???
9) Learn to accept that things will change...but life will go on! Change is inevitable, and trying to prevent change just doesn't work. People will get new jobs, make new friends, move to new places. And even though you may not be living in the same place as your child/ adoptive family, with open adoption, you will always be a part of their lives whether near or far. When Deanna and her family moved to SC, I was pretty upset. I was afraid I would hardly ever see them. While that certainly wasn't the case, their move has actually been a blessing for me. I was able to plan in advance the times I would see Deanna, and that made a huge difference in my life. I had a chance to breathe a little and to figure out who I was. One thing I've learned: change can make or break you. Which will you choose?
10) Help others...together. With permission from the other parties involved of course, share your stories! You never know who will be reading or listening. If you've had a great experience with open adoption, share it. You never know who could benefit from hearing your story. Who knows, maybe even a blog would be a great start. (Be sure to ask permission to use names too). For me, giving back has been one of the best ways to heal. I think sharing our story has brought us all closer together. I like that.
Good thing this post wasn't long or anything. Look, I know that our open adoption probably seems ideal to most people, but that doesn't mean it hasn't been challenging and difficult at times. And that doesn't mean that it never happens this way in real life. I know that not everyone has the experience with open adoption that we have had, but I just can't ignore the fact that it has worked so well for us, and we have heard so many stories from people who have amazing open adoption stories too! (Rebekah & Rebekah, anyone?) So how could we not share? I'm not saying that my advice will help everyone, but I thought it would at least be worth sharing. Hey, it worked for us, right? Alright, good talk.
For all of those bloggers out there who have successful open adoptions, what has worked for you?
On Wednesday morning, I was driving to work when I got a call from my roommate. Apparently she had gone for a quick jaunt around the neighborhood and had forgotten to take her key with her. I accidentally locked her out when I left for work. Poor thing! She sprinted to the gas station down the street and called me on the gas station owner's wife's cell phone. To be politically correct, there was a huge language barrier between the two of them. I can only imagine how that conversation played out. But she was finally able to get a hold of me, and I immediately turned my all-wheel drive sleigh around.
So I headed back home, and I was coming in hot on the homestretch to my street. Suddenly, a squirrel appeared out of nowhere and jumped directly in front of my car! The squirrel was paralyzed in fear, and it couldn't decide which way to run. And that's when I ran over it. I didn't do it on purpose. I did it because I couldn't stop in time, and ever since I first learned how to drive, my dad has burrowed it in my brain to never ever ever ever swerve for an animal because you're more likely to get in an accident by trying to avoid the animal than by just running it over. With my dad's words playing in my head, I cringed as I heard the thump. Much to my surprise, as I glanced in my rear-view mirror, I didn't see any roadkill. There was no squirrel in sight. It was the strangest thing! I continued on my way, hurriedly unlocked the door for my rooms and I bolted to work.
Then, later that evening, I had the amazing opportunity to be a special guest on MomTV's Adoption Angles web-show, and aside from a few kinks here and there (and a crazzzzzzy distracting echo in my ear at the beginning), I think things went pretty well...until the very end. After the webshow was over, Melissa "signed-off" and I figured that meant my video was shut off too. My cell phone rang, and I saw that it was my roommate. I answered it and I'm pretty sure I updated her on the squirrel scenario from earlier that day. I think I said something along the lines of, "I cannot believe that squirrel today!" and "I hit it and it just disappeared! I think I killed it, but I don't know. There was no roadkill, isn't that strange?" Then I received an instant message from one of the show's viewers who informed me that my video feed was actually still live and my personal call with my roommate was in fact being broadcast over the Internet. So there's that.
Just another day in the life of Amstel!
Here's a recording of the show if you happened to miss out on my debut of Guinea-pig awkwardness:
Speaking of open adoption...
Here is one of the first pictures I took with De after babe was born.
I am happy to report that I completed my second yoga class this past Saturday--and I didn't feel the incredible urge to compete! It was so relaxing. Unfortunately, that didn't affect my level of next-day(s) soreness, and I'm still recovering from my failed attempt at a perfectly-executed forearm stand. My hands were so sweaty that my long-haired, foreign accented yoga instructor-man had to personally deliver his sweaty towel for me to place on my mat so I would stop slipping during downward-facing dog. I'm finally willing to admit that I may not be a natural after all.
I love how Don and De have maintained such great relationships with not just Robbie and I, but with both of our families as well. I am constantly amazed at how our families have really come together during these past few years and have learned to work together in our open adoption. It wasn't always this easy, though.
We met the Dollars through Robbie's parents, who had met them through a family-friend/work relationship. When Robbie's parents first met Don and De at a party in Raleigh (the Leonards had just moved to Raleigh in 2004 for Mr. Leonard's job), the conversation somehow turned to Robbie's dad, Rob, asking Don and De why they didn't have any kids yet. They told him their story and they mentioned how they had been looking towards adoption. Robbie's mom, Mary Beth, offered to help them, and she mentioned that her sister-in-law was an Ob/Gyn who has placed many newborn babies. Mary Beth, Rob, Don, and De quickly became friends, and they often found themselves running into each other at parties, work gatherings, etc. Then, a few months later, we came to find that I actually had a bun in my own oven! And I'm not referring to Pillsbury.
Robbie's family very much supported adoption because they knew the Dollars well, and they had many conversations discussing with them how our families would all be able to maintain close relationships with the little babe after the (pending) adoption. My family, who was still living in Pittsburgh, had no idea who the Dollars were. Actually, they didn't even know that I was considering adoption. My family had already begun making plans for me to raise the baby with their help. We had already decided that I could still go to college during the week, and I would have to come home on the weekends to take care of the baby. Robbie would quit school to get a job, and we would most likely get married to make it all official. I faced a huge internal conflict once I had actually met the Dollars and started to actually consider open adoption. My family was probably confused and hurt that I had changed my mind. The reality of the situation was that I was torn in so many directions because everyone had a different an idea of what was "best." Before I left school to be home-bound tutored, several teachers even approached me and told me what they thought was best for me. Best for ME, not best for baby. I even had one woman at school who suggested I consider having an abortion so that I could continue on with my life. Thanks, but no thanks.
The weeks leading up to the adoption were so draining. Words cannot describe what I went through emotionally. I was still not 100% certain that I could go through with the adoption until I physically signed the papers. After I signed them, my family came to support my decision. When they finally agreed to meet the Dollars, they immediately knew why I had chosen these people to raise my daughter. A lot of people had a completely different view of adoption until they actually met Don and De and started experiencing our open adoption firsthand. There were doubts, fears, and concerns about how we would be able to maintain such an open relationship with each other. Today, I can't imagine it being any different. Our families keep in close contact today through emails, phones calls and visits. The Dollars even take a trip once a year to visit my family in Pittsburgh during the summer, and they usually stay at our house. There's never a dull moment during those trips!
De and Don have really done a great job of keeping our families updated on Deanna by sharing silly stories, posting pictures, and keeping my parents involved by asking questions about how I was when I was Deanna's age. I think it's amazing to hear just how much Deanna is like me when I was young. When I was little, I used to be extremely shy in school. I hardly ever sang out loud, and the teachers often told my mom they were worried about my social growth. I laugh at that story now. Recently, Deanna's teacher told De that Deanna was being rather quiet in school and she was concerned. Because our adoption is so open, De was able to ask my mom about my behavior and mannerisms as a child. As she came to find out, "Amy Hutton" did that too! And for the most part, I think I turned out (somewhat) normal...right? Maybe not.
Last month, my parents mailed a Christmas present to Deanna, and De took it upon herself to make an entire facebook album dedicated to Deanna showing off my parents' gift. The album is titled, "Thank You Mimi & Papa Keith!" Wasn't that sweet?
Deanna has more aunts, uncles, parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, neighbors and friends than even I can keep track of, but she is so great at remembering everyone. I attribute her excellent memory to the pounds of watermelon that I ravenously consumed during gestation. De likes to constantly remind Deanna of the people that she doesn't get to see very often. A few weeks ago, De asked Deanna, Do you remember who Mimi (my mom) is? She said, "Yes Ma'am." Then De asked Deanna, "Who is Mimi?" Deanna responded nonchalantly, "That girl who lives with Papa Keith." Haha, Papa Keith is my dad. Witty little thing.
Adoption Angles premiers online tonight at 9:00 P.M. Adoption Angles is an online web-cast on MomTV, and it's about people from all sides of the adoption equation who have been touched one way or another by adoption. I'm going to be sharing my story and answering your questions tonight with the help of my wonderful host, Melissa from Full Circle. We certainly hope you'll consider joining us "Guinea-pigs" as we jump into this new experience together!
On Saturday, January 16th, 2010, at 9:30 a.m., the 11th Annual 2010 Prayer Breakfast* and Rally for Life, sponsored by North Carolina Right to Life, will be held at the Holiday Inn Brownstone Hotel and Conference Center at 1707 Hillsborough Street in Raleigh, North Carolina.
Angela Franks, Ph.D., Author of Margaret Sanger's Eugenic Legacy: The Control of Female Fertility (2005) will be the featured speaker at the Prayer Breakfast.
The Breakfast will be followed by a Rally, which will begin at 1:00 p.m. on Nash Square in downtown Raleigh. Angela Franks, Ph.D., and Deanna Jones, Author of To Be a Mother, will be the featured speakers at the Rally. Alyse Player will be the featured vocalist at both events. There is no cost to attend the Rally.
*The cost for the Breakfast is $30/person, $50/married couple, $25/students, clergy, and seniors. Payments can be made using MasterCard, Visa, or check. Please call 1-800-392-6275 to register by phone using MC or Visa. Mail checks to NCRTL, PO Box 9282, Greensboro, NC 27429-0282.
Using YouTube videos with students can be really great, but finding a video with the exact language you want and at a suitable length with too many other distractions around can be really difficult. That's why SafeShare.TV is so useful.
SafeShare.TV is a tool that has two primary functions. The first is to enable you to share YouTube videos using a direct URL that frames the video without the advertising and other distracting features that might cause students to wander off into less suitable materials.
The second and perhaps even more useful function of SafeShare.TV is that it enable you to crop the video clip so that only a particular part is shown. This is particularly useful when you want to build activities or tasks around clips that focus students on particular linguistic features.
How to use SafeShare.TV First find a YouTube clip that has a section that you would like to use. I chose this one from ‘Room with a View’ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tehft3GDw6k. At 9 mins it's quite long so I just wanted to use a few sections.
Copy the URL and then go to: http://www.safeshare.tv/. Paste the link into the field then click on ‘Generate safe link’. This will create a new link to the video which you can then use with your students to show them the clip. When the students open the link they will only see the single video clip with it’s title, like the example below.
If you want to crop the clip so that only a short part of it shows, then generate your safe URL and then click on the link that says 'Do you want to only share a part of the video? click to crop.' This will open a small video viewer. Click the video to watch it, then click on ‘Set Start’ at the beginning of the segment you want students to see. Watch the segment and click ‘Set End’ at the end of the segment. Now click ‘OK’ Once you have clicked 'OK' your safe link will be adapted to only show the section of the video you have selected. You can then either copy the link to share with students or share it through a variety of social networking mediums.
Here's a quick video tutorial showing how to do this.
How can we use this with students? Clipping videos makes it much easier for us to create activities and tasks that focus on specific areas of the video clip without having to watch the whole thing.
You can select example phrases to show the use of language in context, such as a telephone call or a scene that shows someone booking into a hotel etc. Here’s an example: Booking a hotel room This was trimmed from a much longer clip on YouTube
You can show students the beginning to a clip and ask them to predict what’s ‘going to’ happen next.
You can show students a number of sections from the same clip and ask them to order them either by using linguistic or visual clues and explain their rationale.
You can show each student in a group a different sections of the clip (like the 5 sections above) and then ask them to work together to describe the part they watched and put the different sections into the correct order as a group.
You can use the sections to focus on the use of specific structures, like this one for ‘should have’ Should have clip or this one for the use of 3rd conditional3rd conditional clip
It gets your students right to the part of the video you want them to see
It allows you to easily split videos into shorter clips
there’s a simple ‘bookmarklet’ that you can drag to your favourites bar, then whenever you find a YouTube clip your want to use you just click on it to get the SafeShare.TV link.
What I’m not so sure about
Sometimes it doesn’t work on my MAC
It would be great to have an embed code as well as a URL
Well those are some suggestions to get you started cropping YouTube videos. I hope you find them useful.
I experienced my first yoga class this past weekend. And I'm just now realizing that I probably shouldn't have tried to compete with the girl on the mat next to me. She must have been a) an expert, b) double-jointed, or c) some sort of amphibious non-human creature. I'd imagine that it's probably some combination of all three because the only body parts that aren't still aching after that 90-minute stretch-fest are my fingers. On the bright side, there's no better time to blog than now, right?
Onward and upward! I have mentioned that I am a recovering perfectionist. What does that even mean? A recovering perfectionist? Well, it's sort of like being an alcoholic. You must first admit that you have a problem. Then you can work on fixing it. I have admitted to myself (and now publicly to my sea of avid readers) that I have a real problem with perfectionism. I've have been this way my entire life, but I never knew there was an actual term for it or that it was a problem until my freshman year at Meredith College.
You probably remember the post I wrote a while back regarding the woman in the Education Department at Meredith College who told me that I obviously didn't care enough about children to become a teacher since I couldn't decide between a career in education or communication. Anyway, after numbly finding my way into the counseling center on that terrible afternoon, I found myself continuing to go back to counseling every two weeks from that point on. It began with working through the traumatic encounter that had just happened with Dr. Parker, and then it progressed into dealing with other things.
At the very end of our first session, my counselor handed me a bright green brochure with the word: "PERFECTIONISM" plastered on the front. What's this? I thought to myself.
Perfectionism is self-destructive thinking. It can include extreme fear of failure, striving to be the best, to reach the ideal, and to never make a mistake, a habit developed from youth that keeps you constantly alert to the imperfections, failings, and weakness in yourself and others, setting unattainable goals for yourself and becoming depressed when you don't reach them, and the underlying motive present in the fear of failure and fear of rejection.
According to LIVESTRONG.COM, there are many irrational beliefs that contribute to perfectionism:
-the belief that no matter what you attempt it is never good enough to meet your own or others' expectations.
-the belief that whatever you attempt in life must be done perfectly with no mistakes, slip-ups or inconsistencies.
-the belief that unless I am number 1, there is no sense in trying.
-the belief that winning is the only acceptable goal.
-the belief that it is what I achieve rather than who I am that is important.
-the belief that I have no value in life unless I am successful.
-the belief that I should never let anyone know what goals I am working on--that way they won't consider me a failure if I don't reach them.
I think the worst part about perfectionism is that you learn to associate your entire self-worth based on how much you have accomplished. Perfectionists often feel an overwhelming sense of guilt and depression as a result of their failures. Looking back, I now see how this self-destructive disease contributed to my downward spiral after learning I was pregnant. Not only had I failed myself, but I had failed, publicly, in front of everyone else around me. To a perfectionist, that's like that end of the world.
I should probably give you some background about my prior-to-pregnancy life. I'm the middle sister, therefore I have severe middle-child syndrome. My parents would probably react the same way (by saying, "good job, honey") whether I had gotten an A+ on a math test or discovered a cure for cancer. I thrived on their positive-reinforcement. I was extremely competitive from a young age, and if I wasn't naturally good at something, I had a tendency to just give up. *"If I'm not "number one," what's the point in trying?* My older sister practiced the piano often and quickly became a young Mozart, making up her own songs, singing beautifully when family and friends would come over. She was good at everything and she didn't even have to try. I practiced the piano and quit out of frustration when I couldn't advance past "the buzzing bee." I wasn't very musically inclined, but I was good at sports. When my parents threw me in the pool for the first time, I found that I was a natural at swimming. I remember the sense of incredible accomplishment I felt after joining our summer-league swim team and beating all the other 8-year-olds in sprint free-style. I loved to win, and I loved the recognition I received as I got better and better. I was finally the best at something.
When I was in high school, my perfectionism got worse. I had the mindset that I needed to achieve more, to be even more successful, and that failure wasn't an option. I won the gold medal in our district championship in the 50-yard-freestyle and finished in the top 10 at our state competition. I made it on the front page of the Pittsburgh Post Gazette and I had a huge congratulatory poster displayed at school. During my senior year of high school, I was crowned Homecoming Queen, and I had the highest hopes of earning a full-swimming scholarship in college the next year. My life was completely perfect. And then I found out I was pregnant.
In my tiny little distorted perfectionist world, everything I had ever achieved had just flown out the window. In my mind, I had failed and that canceled everything else out. When you're a perfectionist, to fail is to lose everything. I had lost everything.
The big turn-around for me was when I finally made it into the counseling center on that fateful day. I had no idea what perfectionism was, let alone that I had an extreme case of it. When I realized how much of my self-worth was based on my achievements, it's no wonder I fell into such a deep depression after the pregnancy. The more I learned about perfectionism, the more I realized just how destructive it had become in my life. Perfectionism can be a positive thing because it can motivate you to do awesome things and it can keep you focused on setting high goals for yourself, but it can take over your life if you don't keep it under control.
I'm proud to say that I am now a recovering perfectionist. I have learned to recognize when my thoughts start to become too irrational, when my outlook starts to become too unrealistic, when I start to become too critical, and when my goals start to become too unattainable. I have surrounded myself with easy-going, carefree people who have taught me how to loosen up, to let me hair down, and to get out of my comfort zone. Nobody wants to be around the person who is always critical of herself and others!
Don't get me wrong--I realize that I'm not going to be able to change who I am as a person. I'm still going to be the same Amy Hutton I was fifteen years ago. Minus the big bangs and the buck teeth. I'm still going to dislike the things I'm not naturally good at, I'm still going to be driven by the need to succeed, and I'm still going to be competitive at times. I am how God made me, and that's not going to change. But as long as I keep it all in perspective and as long as I'm not competing to do the best "downward-facing-dog" on the yoga mat, I think I'm going to be just fine.
Well, it looks like the resounding response to the pepperoni roll poll is that most of you would have either thrown the pepperoni roll...or found something far more substantial to throw. Either way, GOOD answers people. I like where your heads are at.
In other news, the squirrel that I ran over last week has not appeared inside my vehicle to commit a surprise retaliation attack. No worries--my guard is still up.
Obviously I haven't been thinking about this too much.
Okay, you're right--that's a prairie dog--I tried.
I've noticed that more people than usual have been reading and commenting on my blog and linking their blogs to Amstel Life. I am so completely overwhelmed and thankful for the positive response I've gotten to my blog; our story. Every time I read a new comment or email, I am constantly reminded of the impact that sharing our story has had. I think that's what makes it easy for me to be so open in sharing my experience as a birthmother. I know that somebody out there is learning something new about open adoption, and that's awesome. People often refer to our open adoption as the "ideal situation." I am beyond flattered that some people think of our open adoption as ideal. I hope that people also recognize that "ideal" doesn't have to mean "rare" when it comes to open adoption!
I noticed that Laurel from Laurel Blogs wrote on her post (Some Good Stuff) that she loves to read my blog because of the awesome relationship I have with my daughter and her adoptive parents. Thank you! Laurel also wrote, "(And please don't leave me comments that say, "But Laurel...adoption just sometimes doesn't work out that way..." because I know this. I'm talking in an ideal world, here.) Laurel brings up such a great point. I often hear people who say to me that this type of situation just doesn't work out with most people. I often find myself questioning what we did so right to end up in this kind of "ideal" situation. I know that "ideal" has a different meaning for everyone, but to me, an ideal open adoption is one where everyone respects each other, everyone openly communicates their thoughts and feelings, and most importantly, everyone puts the child's well-being at the forefront of every decision. So how exactly do we make our open adoption work? Here are some things that have worked for us..
1) If you are a prospective birthmother, choose an adoptive couple/family who you could see yourself having a strong relationship with many years down the road. Choose people with similar interests, values, and morals as your own. You're going to have to do a ton of research, but get to know as much as humanly possible about each other before the actual adoption. The more couples you interview, the better chance you have of finding a perfect match for you. If you're not comfortable with an agency, ask family, friends, and co-workers if they know anyone who is looking to adopt. Sometimes, the best match can come from someone who knows someone who knows someone. In fact, that's how we met each other!
2) If you are a prospective adoptive couple, once you are matched with (or chosen by) a birthmom, start to build your relationship soon, but as naturally as possible. Don't ask questions about the baby as soon as you meet. Concentrate on getting know each other first. When Robbie and I first met Don and De, I was so stubborn. I didn't even want to consider adoption. But Don and De started by asking Robbie & I questions, not about the baby, but about us. I could tell immediately that Don and De were interesting in getting to know us as people and not just trying to get a baby out of the deal. Yes, I know, that's not always feasible to tell if someone genuinely cares about you at first meet, but that's why you must continue to develop your relationship further before the actual adoption...and afterwards too.
3) As your relationship continues to develop, start asking more personal questions. Eventually, you should ask each other every question you can think of under the sun. Nothing should be off-limits to talk about.
Some things we thought to ask each other included:
-Are you ever going to try adopting again?
-Do you anticipate having to move away?
-How will you discipline you children?
-What type of life insurance, college fund, etc. will you set up?
-Should something happen to you both, who will take custody?
-Will you both be working, or will De be a stay-at-home mom?
-How often do you anticipate we will be able to visit Deanna?
-How will you tell Deanna about her adoption?
-Will we see Deanna less as she gets older?
-May we speak to your family and friends to ask them some questions about you?
-And the list goes on....
4) Interview family and friends of the birthmom or adoptive couple you are considering. What do these people have to say about their character, lifestyle, morals, etc? Find out as much as you can from the acquaintances of the people you are considering. Open adoption is a verbal agreement, not a signed contract, so do as much as possible to build a relationship based on trust and respect for each other.
5) Do activities together before the birth. De and I had a joint baby shower together. She got baby clothes and strollers, and I got college supplies, bikinis, and skinny jeans. It gave me a lot to look forward to (namely, college and not having kankles). Sometimes, however, a baby shower can be too much. That's okay! You can do other things together like cook a family dinner, go shopping, or help to decorate the nursery. If it's not too much, you may even consider going to doctors visits together. The best part about open adoption is that you have the ability to set limits, to decide together what works and what doesn't, and to build a relationship with the people you will likely share a special bond with for the rest of your lives.
6) Decide on a birth plan before the hospital. Birthmom Buds is an awesome birthmom network, and the founder, Coley, has created a medical brochure titled "Defining Adoption Guidelines for Medical Professionals" and the hospital action plan that coincides with it. The medical brochure is made to educate hospital staff, doctors, nurses, etc. on adoption from a birthmother's perspective in the hopes to create better hospital experiences for birthmothers. The hospital action plan goes over most of the aspects of the hospital experience for a birthmother and allows her to write in her desires and wishes for her hospital stay. It can then be shared with the adoptive parents if they are participating in the labor and delivery in anyway so that everyone can be on the same page regarding her desires. Visit http://www.birthmombuds.com/hospital.htm for more info.
7) After the birth, learning the boundaries of open adoption will be difficult at first. You can talk about what to expect until you turn blue, but everything after the birth is a whole 'nother story! You'll learn as you go, but as long as you continue to communicate and be honest with each other, things should start to come together eventually. I can't stress enough how important communication is in open adoption. Since our open adoption was very open, sometimes I had a hard time saying no to visiting. After a long day of class, sometimes I felt guilty for saying no to stopping by to see De and Deanna. There were times I just needed to take a break and be alone. I learned to take care of myself first and to visit only when I felt emotionally ready. And that made our visits so much better.
8) Counseling, counseling, counseling. Counseling. This is especially targeted towards birthmothers, because I know how much this has benefited me, but counseling at some point is probably a good idea for everyone. Birthmoms, you have got to take time to heal. It took me a long time (almost 2 years) before I was finally ready to open up and share my experience with open adoption. I was mad at the world for a solid 24 months! But counseling helped me first to heal emotionally, second to accept the decision that I made, and finally to realize the impact my story could have on others. Did I mention that my counselor at NC State was amazing???
9) Learn to accept that things will change...but life will go on! Change is inevitable, and trying to prevent change just doesn't work. People will get new jobs, make new friends, move to new places. And even though you may not be living in the same place as your child/ adoptive family, with open adoption, you will always be a part of their lives whether near or far. When Deanna and her family moved to SC, I was pretty upset. I was afraid I would hardly ever see them. While that certainly wasn't the case, their move has actually been a blessing for me. I was able to plan in advance the times I would see Deanna, and that made a huge difference in my life. I had a chance to breathe a little and to figure out who I was. One thing I've learned: change can make or break you. Which will you choose?
10) Help others...together. With permission from the other parties involved of course, share your stories! You never know who will be reading or listening. If you've had a great experience with open adoption, share it. You never know who could benefit from hearing your story. Who knows, maybe even a blog would be a great start. (Be sure to ask permission to use names too). For me, giving back has been one of the best ways to heal. I think sharing our story has brought us all closer together. I like that.
Good thing this post wasn't long or anything. Look, I know that our open adoption probably seems ideal to most people, but that doesn't mean it hasn't been challenging and difficult at times. And that doesn't mean that it never happens this way in real life. I know that not everyone has the experience with open adoption that we have had, but I just can't ignore the fact that it has worked so well for us, and we have heard so many stories from people who have amazing open adoption stories too! (Rebekah & Rebekah, anyone?) So how could we not share? I'm not saying that my advice will help everyone, but I thought it would at least be worth sharing. Hey, it worked for us, right? Alright, good talk.
For all of those bloggers out there who have successful open adoptions, what has worked for you?
On Wednesday morning, I was driving to work when I got a call from my roommate. Apparently she had gone for a quick jaunt around the neighborhood and had forgotten to take her key with her. I accidentally locked her out when I left for work. Poor thing! She sprinted to the gas station down the street and called me on the gas station owner's wife's cell phone. To be politically correct, there was a huge language barrier between the two of them. I can only imagine how that conversation played out. But she was finally able to get a hold of me, and I immediately turned my all-wheel drive sleigh around.
So I headed back home, and I was coming in hot on the homestretch to my street. Suddenly, a squirrel appeared out of nowhere and jumped directly in front of my car! The squirrel was paralyzed in fear, and it couldn't decide which way to run. And that's when I ran over it. I didn't do it on purpose. I did it because I couldn't stop in time, and ever since I first learned how to drive, my dad has burrowed it in my brain to never ever ever ever swerve for an animal because you're more likely to get in an accident by trying to avoid the animal than by just running it over. With my dad's words playing in my head, I cringed as I heard the thump. Much to my surprise, as I glanced in my rear-view mirror, I didn't see any roadkill. There was no squirrel in sight. It was the strangest thing! I continued on my way, hurriedly unlocked the door for my rooms and I bolted to work.
Then, later that evening, I had the amazing opportunity to be a special guest on MomTV's Adoption Angles web-show, and aside from a few kinks here and there (and a crazzzzzzy distracting echo in my ear at the beginning), I think things went pretty well...until the very end. After the webshow was over, Melissa "signed-off" and I figured that meant my video was shut off too. My cell phone rang, and I saw that it was my roommate. I answered it and I'm pretty sure I updated her on the squirrel scenario from earlier that day. I think I said something along the lines of, "I cannot believe that squirrel today!" and "I hit it and it just disappeared! I think I killed it, but I don't know. There was no roadkill, isn't that strange?" Then I received an instant message from one of the show's viewers who informed me that my video feed was actually still live and my personal call with my roommate was in fact being broadcast over the Internet. So there's that.
Just another day in the life of Amstel!
Here's a recording of the show if you happened to miss out on my debut of Guinea-pig awkwardness:
Speaking of open adoption...
Here is one of the first pictures I took with De after babe was born.
I am happy to report that I completed my second yoga class this past Saturday--and I didn't feel the incredible urge to compete! It was so relaxing. Unfortunately, that didn't affect my level of next-day(s) soreness, and I'm still recovering from my failed attempt at a perfectly-executed forearm stand. My hands were so sweaty that my long-haired, foreign accented yoga instructor-man had to personally deliver his sweaty towel for me to place on my mat so I would stop slipping during downward-facing dog. I'm finally willing to admit that I may not be a natural after all.
I love how Don and De have maintained such great relationships with not just Robbie and I, but with both of our families as well. I am constantly amazed at how our families have really come together during these past few years and have learned to work together in our open adoption. It wasn't always this easy, though.
We met the Dollars through Robbie's parents, who had met them through a family-friend/work relationship. When Robbie's parents first met Don and De at a party in Raleigh (the Leonards had just moved to Raleigh in 2004 for Mr. Leonard's job), the conversation somehow turned to Robbie's dad, Rob, asking Don and De why they didn't have any kids yet. They told him their story and they mentioned how they had been looking towards adoption. Robbie's mom, Mary Beth, offered to help them, and she mentioned that her sister-in-law was an Ob/Gyn who has placed many newborn babies. Mary Beth, Rob, Don, and De quickly became friends, and they often found themselves running into each other at parties, work gatherings, etc. Then, a few months later, we came to find that I actually had a bun in my own oven! And I'm not referring to Pillsbury.
Robbie's family very much supported adoption because they knew the Dollars well, and they had many conversations discussing with them how our families would all be able to maintain close relationships with the little babe after the (pending) adoption. My family, who was still living in Pittsburgh, had no idea who the Dollars were. Actually, they didn't even know that I was considering adoption. My family had already begun making plans for me to raise the baby with their help. We had already decided that I could still go to college during the week, and I would have to come home on the weekends to take care of the baby. Robbie would quit school to get a job, and we would most likely get married to make it all official. I faced a huge internal conflict once I had actually met the Dollars and started to actually consider open adoption. My family was probably confused and hurt that I had changed my mind. The reality of the situation was that I was torn in so many directions because everyone had a different an idea of what was "best." Before I left school to be home-bound tutored, several teachers even approached me and told me what they thought was best for me. Best for ME, not best for baby. I even had one woman at school who suggested I consider having an abortion so that I could continue on with my life. Thanks, but no thanks.
The weeks leading up to the adoption were so draining. Words cannot describe what I went through emotionally. I was still not 100% certain that I could go through with the adoption until I physically signed the papers. After I signed them, my family came to support my decision. When they finally agreed to meet the Dollars, they immediately knew why I had chosen these people to raise my daughter. A lot of people had a completely different view of adoption until they actually met Don and De and started experiencing our open adoption firsthand. There were doubts, fears, and concerns about how we would be able to maintain such an open relationship with each other. Today, I can't imagine it being any different. Our families keep in close contact today through emails, phones calls and visits. The Dollars even take a trip once a year to visit my family in Pittsburgh during the summer, and they usually stay at our house. There's never a dull moment during those trips!
De and Don have really done a great job of keeping our families updated on Deanna by sharing silly stories, posting pictures, and keeping my parents involved by asking questions about how I was when I was Deanna's age. I think it's amazing to hear just how much Deanna is like me when I was young. When I was little, I used to be extremely shy in school. I hardly ever sang out loud, and the teachers often told my mom they were worried about my social growth. I laugh at that story now. Recently, Deanna's teacher told De that Deanna was being rather quiet in school and she was concerned. Because our adoption is so open, De was able to ask my mom about my behavior and mannerisms as a child. As she came to find out, "Amy Hutton" did that too! And for the most part, I think I turned out (somewhat) normal...right? Maybe not.
Last month, my parents mailed a Christmas present to Deanna, and De took it upon herself to make an entire facebook album dedicated to Deanna showing off my parents' gift. The album is titled, "Thank You Mimi & Papa Keith!" Wasn't that sweet?
Deanna has more aunts, uncles, parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, neighbors and friends than even I can keep track of, but she is so great at remembering everyone. I attribute her excellent memory to the pounds of watermelon that I ravenously consumed during gestation. De likes to constantly remind Deanna of the people that she doesn't get to see very often. A few weeks ago, De asked Deanna, Do you remember who Mimi (my mom) is? She said, "Yes Ma'am." Then De asked Deanna, "Who is Mimi?" Deanna responded nonchalantly, "That girl who lives with Papa Keith." Haha, Papa Keith is my dad. Witty little thing.
Adoption Angles premiers online tonight at 9:00 P.M. Adoption Angles is an online web-cast on MomTV, and it's about people from all sides of the adoption equation who have been touched one way or another by adoption. I'm going to be sharing my story and answering your questions tonight with the help of my wonderful host, Melissa from Full Circle. We certainly hope you'll consider joining us "Guinea-pigs" as we jump into this new experience together!
On Saturday, January 16th, 2010, at 9:30 a.m., the 11th Annual 2010 Prayer Breakfast* and Rally for Life, sponsored by North Carolina Right to Life, will be held at the Holiday Inn Brownstone Hotel and Conference Center at 1707 Hillsborough Street in Raleigh, North Carolina.
Angela Franks, Ph.D., Author of Margaret Sanger's Eugenic Legacy: The Control of Female Fertility (2005) will be the featured speaker at the Prayer Breakfast.
The Breakfast will be followed by a Rally, which will begin at 1:00 p.m. on Nash Square in downtown Raleigh. Angela Franks, Ph.D., and Deanna Jones, Author of To Be a Mother, will be the featured speakers at the Rally. Alyse Player will be the featured vocalist at both events. There is no cost to attend the Rally.
*The cost for the Breakfast is $30/person, $50/married couple, $25/students, clergy, and seniors. Payments can be made using MasterCard, Visa, or check. Please call 1-800-392-6275 to register by phone using MC or Visa. Mail checks to NCRTL, PO Box 9282, Greensboro, NC 27429-0282.
Using YouTube videos with students can be really great, but finding a video with the exact language you want and at a suitable length with too many other distractions around can be really difficult. That's why SafeShare.TV is so useful.
SafeShare.TV is a tool that has two primary functions. The first is to enable you to share YouTube videos using a direct URL that frames the video without the advertising and other distracting features that might cause students to wander off into less suitable materials.
The second and perhaps even more useful function of SafeShare.TV is that it enable you to crop the video clip so that only a particular part is shown. This is particularly useful when you want to build activities or tasks around clips that focus students on particular linguistic features.
How to use SafeShare.TV First find a YouTube clip that has a section that you would like to use. I chose this one from ‘Room with a View’ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tehft3GDw6k. At 9 mins it's quite long so I just wanted to use a few sections.
Copy the URL and then go to: http://www.safeshare.tv/. Paste the link into the field then click on ‘Generate safe link’. This will create a new link to the video which you can then use with your students to show them the clip. When the students open the link they will only see the single video clip with it’s title, like the example below.
If you want to crop the clip so that only a short part of it shows, then generate your safe URL and then click on the link that says 'Do you want to only share a part of the video? click to crop.' This will open a small video viewer. Click the video to watch it, then click on ‘Set Start’ at the beginning of the segment you want students to see. Watch the segment and click ‘Set End’ at the end of the segment. Now click ‘OK’ Once you have clicked 'OK' your safe link will be adapted to only show the section of the video you have selected. You can then either copy the link to share with students or share it through a variety of social networking mediums.
Here's a quick video tutorial showing how to do this.
How can we use this with students? Clipping videos makes it much easier for us to create activities and tasks that focus on specific areas of the video clip without having to watch the whole thing.
You can select example phrases to show the use of language in context, such as a telephone call or a scene that shows someone booking into a hotel etc. Here’s an example: Booking a hotel room This was trimmed from a much longer clip on YouTube
You can show students the beginning to a clip and ask them to predict what’s ‘going to’ happen next.
You can show students a number of sections from the same clip and ask them to order them either by using linguistic or visual clues and explain their rationale.
You can show each student in a group a different sections of the clip (like the 5 sections above) and then ask them to work together to describe the part they watched and put the different sections into the correct order as a group.
You can use the sections to focus on the use of specific structures, like this one for ‘should have’ Should have clip or this one for the use of 3rd conditional3rd conditional clip
It gets your students right to the part of the video you want them to see
It allows you to easily split videos into shorter clips
there’s a simple ‘bookmarklet’ that you can drag to your favourites bar, then whenever you find a YouTube clip your want to use you just click on it to get the SafeShare.TV link.
What I’m not so sure about
Sometimes it doesn’t work on my MAC
It would be great to have an embed code as well as a URL
Well those are some suggestions to get you started cropping YouTube videos. I hope you find them useful.
I experienced my first yoga class this past weekend. And I'm just now realizing that I probably shouldn't have tried to compete with the girl on the mat next to me. She must have been a) an expert, b) double-jointed, or c) some sort of amphibious non-human creature. I'd imagine that it's probably some combination of all three because the only body parts that aren't still aching after that 90-minute stretch-fest are my fingers. On the bright side, there's no better time to blog than now, right?
Onward and upward! I have mentioned that I am a recovering perfectionist. What does that even mean? A recovering perfectionist? Well, it's sort of like being an alcoholic. You must first admit that you have a problem. Then you can work on fixing it. I have admitted to myself (and now publicly to my sea of avid readers) that I have a real problem with perfectionism. I've have been this way my entire life, but I never knew there was an actual term for it or that it was a problem until my freshman year at Meredith College.
You probably remember the post I wrote a while back regarding the woman in the Education Department at Meredith College who told me that I obviously didn't care enough about children to become a teacher since I couldn't decide between a career in education or communication. Anyway, after numbly finding my way into the counseling center on that terrible afternoon, I found myself continuing to go back to counseling every two weeks from that point on. It began with working through the traumatic encounter that had just happened with Dr. Parker, and then it progressed into dealing with other things.
At the very end of our first session, my counselor handed me a bright green brochure with the word: "PERFECTIONISM" plastered on the front. What's this? I thought to myself.
Perfectionism is self-destructive thinking. It can include extreme fear of failure, striving to be the best, to reach the ideal, and to never make a mistake, a habit developed from youth that keeps you constantly alert to the imperfections, failings, and weakness in yourself and others, setting unattainable goals for yourself and becoming depressed when you don't reach them, and the underlying motive present in the fear of failure and fear of rejection.
According to LIVESTRONG.COM, there are many irrational beliefs that contribute to perfectionism:
-the belief that no matter what you attempt it is never good enough to meet your own or others' expectations.
-the belief that whatever you attempt in life must be done perfectly with no mistakes, slip-ups or inconsistencies.
-the belief that unless I am number 1, there is no sense in trying.
-the belief that winning is the only acceptable goal.
-the belief that it is what I achieve rather than who I am that is important.
-the belief that I have no value in life unless I am successful.
-the belief that I should never let anyone know what goals I am working on--that way they won't consider me a failure if I don't reach them.
I think the worst part about perfectionism is that you learn to associate your entire self-worth based on how much you have accomplished. Perfectionists often feel an overwhelming sense of guilt and depression as a result of their failures. Looking back, I now see how this self-destructive disease contributed to my downward spiral after learning I was pregnant. Not only had I failed myself, but I had failed, publicly, in front of everyone else around me. To a perfectionist, that's like that end of the world.
I should probably give you some background about my prior-to-pregnancy life. I'm the middle sister, therefore I have severe middle-child syndrome. My parents would probably react the same way (by saying, "good job, honey") whether I had gotten an A+ on a math test or discovered a cure for cancer. I thrived on their positive-reinforcement. I was extremely competitive from a young age, and if I wasn't naturally good at something, I had a tendency to just give up. *"If I'm not "number one," what's the point in trying?* My older sister practiced the piano often and quickly became a young Mozart, making up her own songs, singing beautifully when family and friends would come over. She was good at everything and she didn't even have to try. I practiced the piano and quit out of frustration when I couldn't advance past "the buzzing bee." I wasn't very musically inclined, but I was good at sports. When my parents threw me in the pool for the first time, I found that I was a natural at swimming. I remember the sense of incredible accomplishment I felt after joining our summer-league swim team and beating all the other 8-year-olds in sprint free-style. I loved to win, and I loved the recognition I received as I got better and better. I was finally the best at something.
When I was in high school, my perfectionism got worse. I had the mindset that I needed to achieve more, to be even more successful, and that failure wasn't an option. I won the gold medal in our district championship in the 50-yard-freestyle and finished in the top 10 at our state competition. I made it on the front page of the Pittsburgh Post Gazette and I had a huge congratulatory poster displayed at school. During my senior year of high school, I was crowned Homecoming Queen, and I had the highest hopes of earning a full-swimming scholarship in college the next year. My life was completely perfect. And then I found out I was pregnant.
In my tiny little distorted perfectionist world, everything I had ever achieved had just flown out the window. In my mind, I had failed and that canceled everything else out. When you're a perfectionist, to fail is to lose everything. I had lost everything.
The big turn-around for me was when I finally made it into the counseling center on that fateful day. I had no idea what perfectionism was, let alone that I had an extreme case of it. When I realized how much of my self-worth was based on my achievements, it's no wonder I fell into such a deep depression after the pregnancy. The more I learned about perfectionism, the more I realized just how destructive it had become in my life. Perfectionism can be a positive thing because it can motivate you to do awesome things and it can keep you focused on setting high goals for yourself, but it can take over your life if you don't keep it under control.
I'm proud to say that I am now a recovering perfectionist. I have learned to recognize when my thoughts start to become too irrational, when my outlook starts to become too unrealistic, when I start to become too critical, and when my goals start to become too unattainable. I have surrounded myself with easy-going, carefree people who have taught me how to loosen up, to let me hair down, and to get out of my comfort zone. Nobody wants to be around the person who is always critical of herself and others!
Don't get me wrong--I realize that I'm not going to be able to change who I am as a person. I'm still going to be the same Amy Hutton I was fifteen years ago. Minus the big bangs and the buck teeth. I'm still going to dislike the things I'm not naturally good at, I'm still going to be driven by the need to succeed, and I'm still going to be competitive at times. I am how God made me, and that's not going to change. But as long as I keep it all in perspective and as long as I'm not competing to do the best "downward-facing-dog" on the yoga mat, I think I'm going to be just fine.
