HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Happy Birthday Deanna Marie!





Love,

Amy Hutton :)

THE PERFECT BIRTHDAY GIFT

I had a phenomenally tough time trying to find the perfect birthday card/present for Deanna's birthday this year. I ventured into Target during my lunch break on Monday, hoping for the best. Normally when I go into Target I come out with absolutely nothing that I had on my list and at least $60 worth of senseless clothing/beauty product purchases. (Example: Last month I went in to buy body wash, dental floss, and band aids. I emerged with caramel rice cakes, a black dress, a blue shirt, Neutrogena lip gloss, crest white strips, and a bottle of Merlot.) I was determined to NOT let that happen this time.

I decided to start with the birthday card selection first. Where's the "Tummy Mommy" section? I thought to myself with a smile. I almost asked the shelf stocking man where it was, just to be funny. Nahhh, he wouldn't get it.

Do I choose a card specifically for a 4-year-old? Or do I look in the "From Mother to Daughter" section? "Gosh, I don't know," I thought. Would that be too much? Would she understand it? I'm already indecisive enough; I knew that if I couldn't even choose a section to start in, I'd be in terrible shape when trying to select the perfect card.

I read some of the "From Mother to Daughter" cards. "It's been a blessing watching you grow every day...." No, that won't work. I don't see her everyday. Next. "Tiny fingers and tiny toes, every day you get bigger, how fast the time goes..." No, too sad. I couldn't find the perfect "From Mother to Daughter" card. In fact, I didn't know if that would be too confusing. After all, she knows me as her tummy mommy, not her mommy.

I turned my attention to the "For a 4-year-old" section. A card with sounds perhaps? I opened the first one. No sound. Broken. Next. Shiny card. My Little Pony. Purple & pink. Game inside. "I love you, Happy birthday!" Yes! Finally.

Compared to the card selection, the gift was actually easy. I was going to get her a baby doll, but I figured I already gave De and Don enough baby to handle for a while. (joking!). Since Deanna loves dressing up in Disney Princess costumes, I decided on a Tinkerbell dress up outfit, a Tinkerbell doll, and a 1 lb bag of lollipops. Perfect.

I realized after spending 53 minutes in Target that I really do have a severe case of perfectionism. Everything always has to be perfect with my decisions, choices, etc. Perfectionism has always plagued me. I can't remember the last time I didn't over analyze something. As I checked out, I stopped to think about Deanna opening my gift and what she would think of it. She'd probably be just as excited as every other wonderful gift that she gets. And that's when I realized that no matter what present I get for Deanna on her 4th birthday, it doesn't change how much I love her, and it surely doesn't change how Deanna feels about me, her tummy mommy.

Whew. Tomorrow's the big day. Deanna finally turns 4! Please say a quick prayer for me because it's definitely going to be tough. But I'm looking forward to hearing all about the celebration (they're having a party at a gymnasium for all the youngsters to be rambunctious and wild) and to seeing pictures of Deanna in her Tinkerbell costume very soon. :)

HOSPITAL PICS

I decided to finally release the hospital pictures from the day Deanna was born. I'm not sure why I kept these pictures tucked away for so long. Probably because it makes me really sad to look at them, so I pushed them aside. But I want you to see them because they represent the day of my life that I am most proud of--the day Deanna was born. Most of the pictures show me smiling with Deanna, but inside I was falling apart. I was in a glass case of emotion! Although it's difficult for me to look at them sometimes, these pictures will always remind me how lucky I am that things have worked out so wonderfully and how far I've come since July 11, 2005...

JULY 11

It’s coming up sooner than I ever thought possible…Deanna is turning 4 years old next week. July 11th. I cannot believe it. How did this happen? Where did the time go? I feel like she was just a googly-eyed, bobble-headed infant yesterday. Now she’s swimming underwater in the deep end by herself, asking more and more questions about my “tummy mommy” status, and turning into such a precocious little girl. It’s hard to believe she’s not a baby anymore.

I usually refer to Deanna as “the little babe.” I think when she’s 22 years old I’ll still want to call her “the little babe.” I’m sure people probably wonder if it’s hard watching her grow up since I’m not really raising her. The answer is yes. Yes, I still have those maternal feelings of wanting her to stay little forever. But I am also so thankful that I have the opportunity to actually see her grow up.

Birthdays are always tough for me. In fact, July 11th is the most difficult day of the entire year. On Deanna’s first birthday, I went to her birthday party with my mom and all of the Leonards. I started crying when they sang “happy birthday” and I had to leave the party. I felt bad because I know that I made a lot of people feel uncomfortable. Robbie followed me down the driveway and I told him it was too much to handle. I knew I shouldn’t have gone, but I didn’t want to upset anyone by not showing up. De came out to talk with me and she made me feel so much better. I’ll always remember that heart-to-heart that we had in the driveway. I decided that birthdays were just going to be too much for me and that I shouldn’t attend any more.

On Deanna’s second birthday I was really sad. I was doing the summer nanny thing for the three cutest little girls in Raleigh, and on July 11th I suddenly came down with an awful migraine headache. I couldn’t see, my vision was blurred, and my thoughts were all jumbled together. I had to leave work and go home to sleep it off. I stayed in my room the entire day and cried and cried. I allowed myself one day of self-pity, and that was all. The next day I was absolutely fine.

Deanna’s third birthday was alot different. Deanna and her family had moved to Myrtle Beach, and they were having a big birthday celebration at their new house. Don sent me a text message a week before the party. “I know birthdays are hard for you,” he said, “but I want you to know that you are always welcome.” Then he sent a picture of Deanna biting into a huge slice of watermelon with text that read, "three years ago..." I decided to give it another try. I ended up going with my best friend Angela and the Leonards to celebrate Deanna’s 3rd birthday in Myrtle Beach. It was a milestone. I didn’t cry at the party. I could see how happy Deanna was and how much she loved her family, home, dog, everything. And I loved watching her face light up when everyone sang happy birthday. I think that's when I knew for sure that everything would be okay.

I probably won’t be able to make it Myrtle Beach this year, but I hope to plan a trip to see the little babe and celebrate her birthday soon. And I’m sure this I’ll probably shed a few tears this July 11th. But instead of viewing it as a sad day, I’m trying to stay positive. I'm starting realize that each birthday Deanna has is actually a chance for me to grow as a person and for us all to celebrate the fact that so many people have been blessed by such a wonderful little girl.

THE GIRLS WHO WENT AWAY...

I've been a bit distracted this past week. I got bit on the leg by a dog while jogging, my family's cat died, and I chipped my front tooth all in the same week. Nothing like a little blood, death, and destruction. Go ahead, laugh it up. It's actually pretty funny.

I was asked to speak at an adoption support group a few Sundays ago. The group is a support network for any person affected by adoption in the Raleigh area. We started out by saying introductions and stating how we were affected by adoption. A woman who was in her mid sixties had relinquished her daughter in a closed adoption more than 40 years ago. She had just "found" her daughter the week of our meeting. It was extremely emotional to hear about the pain and loss she had suffered as a result of the experience and how excited she was to hear her daughter's voice on the phone after 40 years. Like most women 40 years ago, she was pressured by her family to move away from her home and to give her child up for adoption. Nobody ever knew she had the baby except her family. She admitted that she has lived with so much regret and pain because she never knew what happened to her daughter. She described her life as "a living hell" since the day she gave up her daughter for adoption.

It was difficult for me to share my experience with adoption after hearing about hers. I almost felt guilty that open adoption has allowed me to escape (somewhat) those feelings of not knowing. Unlike the closed adoption situation, my experience is a lot different because 1) I wasn't forced to participate in the adoption and 2) I don't constantly wonder where my daughter is and how she is doing. Every single birth mom at that meeting agreed that they wish open adoption was an option for them. It was so tough to hear the stories of guilt and regret that these women have had to live with. I began to realize just how many women were pressured by their families and society to leave town to have their babies, relinquish their children for adoption, and then return to their homes like nothing ever happened.

I started reading a book called The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler, which is the untold history of the million and a half women who surrendered children for adoption due to enormous family and social pressure in the several decades before ROE v. WADE. The "girls who went away" are the women (like the one mentioned above) who got pregnant and were sent away by their families to have their babies and place them for adoption so nobody would ever know. The book gives voices to the women who were told they had no choice but to give up their children and have since been haunted by the loss of their children for the rest of their lives. The stories Fessler uncovered reveal the degree of pressure brought to bear on these women, the lack of compassion and guidance shown to them, and the failure to appreciate the lifelong consequences of coercing a woman to surrender her child.

My favorite quote is on page 97. "From everything I see, I think the general public believes that mothers who give their babies away are glad to be rid of them, they're glad to be rid of the problem. They think, 'She didn't care about that kid. She just wanted her out of the way so she could go on having a good time.' I've heard people say that. It's like if you have a child and you're not married, you don't have those same maternal feelings that other mothers have? I have never, ever met a mother who felt that way." -Yvonne, birthmother.

I have often felt plagued by this attitude towards birthmoms. There have been people who questioned my decision and the love I have for my daughter because I chose adoption. Does adoption mean you care about somebody less? Absolutely not. I feel that I cared about my daughter too much. Just because I had a child and I wasn't married does not mean that I don't still have the same maternal instincts.

Sometimes I feel like one of the "girls who went away" because I too left town to have my daughter. No, I wasn't forced into adoption and I wasn't trying to be secretive about it, but moving to North Carolina was an emotional escape for me. I didn't have to stick around Moon Township to deal with the negative stigma that being an unwed mother entailed. And I was happy to be out of there. When I returned, however, I obviously wasn't pregnant anymore and I didn't have the baby with me. It was almost like I had nothing to show for the pain I endured for 9 months. I was always honest about the adoption and I never tried to hide anything about it, but sometimes people were too afraid to ask about it. What happened to your daughter? Why did you chose adoption? I just wanted people to know where I was coming from and the reasons for my decision. Which is why I decided to start the open adoption blog in the first place.

The Girls Who Went Away has been incredibly difficult for me to read because it brings back so many emotions that I felt when I placed Deanna with the Dollars. I can't read it without tearing up. Some emotions are happy (remembering Dr. Anthony yelling "happy anniversary of the Slushie!" the minute Deanna was born) and some emotions are sad (remembering holding Deanna for the first time after she was born and knowing that I couldn't keep her.) But reading this book has been another small part of the healing process for me. I know that I'm not alone and that there are so many birthmoms out there who struggle with similar feelings and emotions.

As an extreme perfectionist, I have had a difficult time letting down my guard and admitting that I'm not perfect and that I still struggle every day. I have a hard time admitting that to anyone. But this blog has encouraged me to step outside of my comfort zone and to start being honest about my experience. And I will continue to do that.

Thank you for reading/following my blog...you have no idea how much it means to me!

BACK IN RALEIGH

Amstel's back in Raleigh.

Small clarification from the last blog post. My family was never disappointed about sharing time with Robbie's family. In fact, everything turned out better than we had ever planned. The last night the Dollars were in town, the Leonard and Hutton families got to spend time together with Deanna while celebrating Robbie's sister Julia's high school graduation party at the country club. The only small mishap the entire trip was that Don's flight got canceled and he didn't make it to Pittsburgh! Nevertheless, De and Deanna got to visit everyone, and Deanna got to see her Mimi (my mom), Papa (my dad), and every single other relative under the sun. Main point -- a little compromise goes a long way, and our families got along great. I didn't mean to hurt any feelings, but at the same time I have to be truthful about open adoption. The last thing I'd want to do is misrepresent it as absolutely perfect. Because it's not perfect. I won't speak for anyone other than myself from this point on, but I refuse to continue blogging if I cannot be fair in presenting all sides of open adoption. Good or bad.

I want to say a huge thank you to Robbie's grandparents for purchasing the Dollars' plane tickets and to Don, De, and Deanna for taking the time to come visit us in Pittsburgh this year.
THANK YOU!

Pictures from the trip:

SUNSHINE & RAIN

Things are going pretty good up in the 'burgh. Besides the excitement of winning the Stanley Cup last night, there's been alot going on!

When I first arrived in Pittsburgh on Thursday morning we took De and Deanna to my grandparents house for lunch. Deanna was a bit shy at first because she didn't really remember them from the last time she was here. That changed in about 5 minutes. As soon as the snacks came out Deanna was being her usual silly self. She actually has a great sense of humor for a nearly four year old. She accidentally swallowed her gum and pointed to me saying, "it was Amy Hutton's fault" because she was making a funny face at me which somehow resulted in the accidental gum swallowing. I pretended to get upset and we couldn't stop laughing. When I was little, I was the master of making up recreational lies. I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Deanna and her family have been coming to visit my family in Pittsburgh for the past three summers. Since the Leonards live in North Carolina and get to see Deanna often, it was an insanely nice gesture for the Dollars to commit to spending a whole week with my family once a year in Pittsburgh. This trip has been a bit different from past trips, however. First of all, Robbie and his family are all in Pittsburgh this week, and Robbie's grandparents, aunts and uncles, who have only seen Deanna a few times, wanted the Dollars to split time between visiting their family and ours.

My family wasn't expecting to have to share time with the Leonards this week and they felt a bit surprised because they didn't find out until right before the Dollars came to Pittsburgh. I often feel like I'm still the middle-man between two families who just want to spend time with their grandchild.

I wasn't going to include this in my blog because I didn't want to step on anyone's toes or hurt any feelings. But I promised myself when I started blogging that I would be honest with my readers because this is what it's really like. Open adoption is about compromise. It's not always easy, as I've said a hundred times. This is one of those times that I feel like I have to please everyone. Robbie's family, my family, everyone. And it sucks.

But Deanna is happy when she is visiting all of her relatives in Pittsburgh, and I can truly tell that she is having a blast. I often struggle with spreading myself too thin and trying to please everyone all the time. But I think as long as Deanna is happy I will be okay with sitting back and letting things happen the way they are supposed to. Sharing is never easy, but that's because everyone loves Deanna so much.

So here's the highlight of the trip so far: As I was strapping Deanna into her car seat when we were leaving my grandparents, she matter-of-factly told me that watermelon is her favorite food. I immediately stopped what I was doing and looked into her big brown eyes. "Really?" I asked, incredulously. De said, "tell Amy Hutton why!" And Deanna looks at me with a big mischievous smile and says, "because I ate so much of it when I was in Amy Hutton's tummy!"

Is it tough sometimes? Yes. Is it worth it? Absolutely.