Interesting Email

I received an interesting email a few months ago. I meant to respond to it, but I actually forgot about the email until I began cleaning out my inbox this week.  So here's the gist of what it said (most sentences have been edited for grammar purposes):

"I was following your blog you sound so brave and full of life. I am glad that everything turned out well for you and your daughter.  But one thing strikes me. I did not find any answers to "why " you chose adoption. Was it not possible for you to keep your daughter?  Don't you have any regrets?   If the choice is between closed adoption or open adoption, open adoption seems best, but I think you will get many messages from birthmothers which will tell you you make things sound too rosey, too pinkish.  I know two women who committed suicide after their promised open adoption was closed by the adoptive mother; they felt betrayed.  I know someone who was hospitalized after having her second child for depression. There are so many not allowed to form a bond with their children and they visit like distant relatives. So that is the thing adoption is about loss first. Yes, you save a baby, but sometimes you give up the mother.  And I think you underestimate this. In a way, you advertise adoption. And that is what I do not like about your site.  This is the rosey open adoption story forums or Bethany adoption tells.  I think instead of helping women to give up their children to adoption, many more things should be done to help them raise their kids.  I think that some cases of adoption are not necessary, but women do not trust themselves and their maternal instincts.  They buy into what they are told until it is too late.  I think adoption is one of the worst things that can happen to a woman and to a baby."

I have chosen to respond publicly to this email because I think that it will help other people who feel similarly to understand where I'm coming from. 



First and foremost, thank you for reading my blog and for taking the time to contact me.  I believe I have addressed the issue of why I chose adoption many times throughout my blog.  I'll explain it again.  Ultimately, it all comes down to the fact that I could not provide the means (emotional, psychological, financial, you name it) to support a child at the age of 18.  Of course that wasn't an easy decision. In fact, it took me nine stressful months to figure it out and a long time afterwards to fully accept it.  Fortunately, I was mature enough to realize that my daughter needed more than Robbie and I could provide for her.  If love was all it takes to raise a child, then I'm pretty sure that we would have been the best parents ever.  But it does take a whole lot more than that.  After meeting Don and De, we realized that open adoption would provide Deanna with the absolute best chance at living a happy and successful life.  And with the added benefit of maintaining our relationship?  Priceless.  Open adoption has been amazing, to say the least.  Difficult at times, but amazing nonetheless.  



I completely agree that more needs to be done to assist women who choose to parent.  In fact, that's why I devoted four years of my undergraduate degree at NC State to establishing and leading a student organization that advocates resources for pregnant, parenting, and post-abortive students.  As the former president of Real Choices, I worked to set up a network of student moms, to provide free childcare services to student moms, and to meet with NC State administrators to help make student moms' lives easier.  I fully support these women, and I think what they have had the courage and ability to do it amazing; but I also believe that parenting is not always feasible and/or realistic. That's why I support adoption.  I want to make it clear that I do not advocate adoption before parenting.  I believe that open adoption can be a wonderful alternative for women who are unable to parent.



My heart truly does go out to any woman who has chosen adoption and regretted it.  I cannot fathom that type of regret.  But contrary to your prediction, I have not received "many messages from birthmothers" who have regretted their decisions or who think my blog is too "rosey or pinkish."  I have received so many messages from birthmothers, adoptive mothers, and adoptees across the country who have been so positively affected by open adoption that they want to share it with me!  And that is amazing.  By sharing my experience with open adoption, I have found that there are so many others out there who have experienced the greatness that open adoption has to offer.  So why don't we hear about the positive stories as often as the negative ones?  Because the people who are experiencing the positives of adoption aren't sitting around on their computers, sharing their amazing stories; they don't have time to!  These people are out living their lives and experiencing the goodness that open adoption has presented in their lives.  The people who have been negatively affected by adoption are the ones who are looking for some type of comfort and choose to share their stories online, in hopes of connecting with someone, anyone who has gone through the same difficult experience. I don't think there's anything wrong with that; it's just a simple fact that people are more likely to react to a negative experience than to a positive one.



You say that I am "too rosey, too pinkish" in presenting open adoption to my readers.  I must disagree.  I do not claim to be representative of every birthmother's journey.  This is my journey as a birthmother, and this is my documentation of how our open adoption is working.  And no, it hasn't always been easy.  It has been extremely challenging and difficult at times.  I suffered from severe post-postpartum depression for nearly two years after my daughter was born, and I had more than enough challenges to overcome when coping with the lasting impact of my decision.  My uncle died from a massive heart attack two weeks before Deanna was born, and I had to live with the guilt of not being able to attend the funeral and feeling like I caused more stress than my family should have had to handle at one time. I felt so alone, so scared, and so vulnerable.  There were times when I simply wanted to give up...but those were the moments that I truly learned to rely on my faith to make it through. 



I think the most important lesson I've learned throughout this entire crazy experience is that God has a plan for each of us, no matter what circumstances we are given.  I refuse to let these circumstances define who I am and what will become of my life.  Instead of wallowing in depression and living with a lifetime of regret, God has given me the strength to rise above it all, to grow even closer to Him, and to share my story in hopes of preventing abortion.  I can only hope that others will follow my lead and use their own difficult experiences as an opportunity to grow closer to Christ and to stand up for what they believe in.



And now for the million dollar question...do I have any regrets?  

That's probably the easiest question to answer.  Absolutely not.

Labor Day Weekend

You may recall that I was planning on visiting Deanna and the Dollars over Labor Day weekend.  Well, I did, and it was great.  I drove down to Myrtle Beach on Saturday morning and spent the day at the beach with Deanna and a gaggle (yes I used the word gaggle) of family and friends.  Deanna's aunt Susan, uncle Steve, cousins Kayleigh, Jenna, and Cameron, Mrs. Leonard, Jacqueline Leonard, Jacqueline's boyfriend Justin, and Julia Leonard were all there to spend time with the little babe.  The weather was perfect, and I even went into the ocean.  Not by choice, it was by default.  I was taken hostage against my will and catapulted into the frigid waters.  Okay, it wasn't so bad, I'm just incredibly dramatic and I love to exaggerate. 



The next morning, I found out that Deanna wakes up at 6:30 just about every day, and she likes to wake her guests up shortly after by jumping on their backs, going through their makeup bags, and trying on select pieces of their jewelery. And that was the end of my favorite pink lip gloss. 



There was a point during the trip when I realized how severe my OCD has become.  We went to a restaurant called "Duffy's" and you're supposed to throw your peanut shells on the floor.  Try as I might, I could not bring myself to get the floor dirty by contributing to the pile of shells.  The ever-observant Jacqueline Leonard called me out as a pile of shells collected on the table in front of me.  I took a deep breath and threw one shell on the floor.  Eww. I hated it.  It felt so wrong! I tried again.  A little better that time.  Finally I dumped the entire pile of peanut shells onto the floor.  I breathed a sigh of relief as soon as I realized that it would be okay to let loose from my perfectionist tendencies for one night.  Then the milk glasses came out (see pictures below) and all hell broke loose. 



Deanna is incredibly rambunctious.  I mean seriously, she goes non-stop from sunrise to sunset.  It's no wonder her metabolism is through the roof.  "Amy Hutton, you want to play with me?" she asked me.  "Of course!"  We played...and played....and played.  Of course, her cousin Cameron, who's 9, took precedence over everyone else (Deanna absolutely loves playing with Cameron).  We played hide and seek, dolls, and then we watched Deanna do gymnastics around the house.  At one point Justin and I even tried to participate.  Deanna's a limber one, that's for sure.  I think I pulled my groin trying to compete with Deanna's splits in the living room.  Check out the pictures while I apply more ice. 

DE, THE BABY IS CRYING!

I'm going to visit the little babe, Don, and De for Labor Day Weekend next week...and I'm so excited! The last time I saw the Dollars was in May at my graduation, which is the longest period of time I've gone without seeing them. I'm sure Deanna must have changed so much since the last time I saw her. She's in the 95th percentile for height and 6th percentile for weight. Don said he's going to start giving her protein shakes to gain some weight because her metabolism is through the roof!



Don called me last week and asked me a random question that sort of caught me off-guard. "Are you ever scared to be honest with De or I because you're afraid we won't let you see Deanna if you make us mad?" I sort of laughed. The ole jokester! I thought he was kidding. But he wasn't. Apparently a woman on an adoption website had told Don that the term "birthmom" was offensive to all birthmoms. Don told her that I am not offended by the term "birthmom," and the woman informed him that he wouldn't know if I was offended or not because I'd be too afraid to tell him for fear that Don and De wouldn't let me see Deanna again. Don obviously knows me better than to believe that, but he wanted to ask just to be sure.



My answer to Don was "absolutely not!" I'm not afraid to talk to Don and De about anything. While the term "birthmom" may be offensive to some women, it's actually a word that I am proud to identify myself with. I wouldn't have described my blog as, "the journey of a 22-year-old birthmom" if I found the term offensive or degrading in any way. I don't care what you call it, as long as you understand that my experience with open adoption is real, it's an incredibly positive part of my life, and I'm going to be completely honest about it. It's not the term; it's the concept behind the term that truly matters: giving a child a wonderful life and family.



I think the honesty and openness that we share in our open adoption is the glue that holds everything together. If I ever had doubts that Don or De would take Deanna away, then I certainly wouldn't have chosen them to be the parents of my daughter. I made a choice to allow them to make the decisions that they deem best for Deanna, and I stand by them in every single choice that they make. Whether it be an outfit to dress her in, a sport to enroll her in, a savings account, or even a college education fund. The excitement I used to find in visiting just Deanna has turned into an excitement for being able to spend time with Don, De and Deanna.



I think it's easy for people who are not directly involved in our open adoption to rush to judgment about the relationships that Don, De, Robbie, and I share. They do not understand what they have not experienced. But we have become an extended family, and it would certainly take more than a few "honest" statements to diminish the bond that we have built over the past 5 years. Essentially, Don & De adopted not only Deanna, but Amy, Robbie, and both of our huge, crazy, wonderful families. We adopted each other, and that's alot of love.



Four years ago, De and I shared a single hospital room with Deanna for 3 days and nights after she was born. I remember the single moment when I fully put my trust in De to be Deanna's mother. During the first night of our hospital stay, Deanna began crying in the middle of the night, and I was incredibly exhausted. I rolled over in the hospital bed and called to De who was sound asleep on the couch:



"De, the baby is crying..." : )

ENTITLEMENT

I had a meeting in Durham tonight with the Triangle Right to Life board members. We took care of official business, I updated the group on my Media Relations work thus far, and we began brainstorming ideas for promoting the pro-life message in the Triangle.

After the meeting was over, only a few women remained, engaging in small talk before we said our goodbyes. The woman whom I had written about in my previous blog post (Deanna, the one who wrote the book To Be A Mother) was talking about her book, and she got to talking about her experience with abortion and how she was finally called to adopt. Deanna said that after her abortion, she felt like God deserved to punish her for having an abortion by making her unable to conceive another child. This wasn't the case, as she eventually had two biological children of her own and adopted four more. She thought that she was "entitled" to a life without children because of her decision to abort her first child many years ago.

Another woman in the group, (we'll call D for privacy purposes), chimed in. A 28-year-old attorney, who has been a driving force in the pro-life movement, has always dreamed of having a family. D said that she thought she was "entitled" to the ability conceive a child because of the work that she has done involving pro-life issues and protecting the unborn. Unfortunately, she and her husband have been having a difficult time getting pregnant and are now focusing on adoption. D said, "It's funny because I thought that God was supposed to just give me with a child because of everything pro-life that I've done. I realize now that God works in mysterious ways and that we are not entitled to anything in life."

What a profound realization. I too am guilty of having felt entitled to certain things in life. When I first found out that I was pregnant, I was angry with God. How could He do this to me? I thought that because I went to church every week and I was generally a good person, that I should be entitled to a swimming scholarship in college. I never really did anything terrible (sinning a few times here and there, yes, but don't we all?), but those dreams went down the shitter when two pink lines appeared. I didn't feel like I was entitled to be a part of the plan that God was laying before me.

After I placed Deanna in the adoption with the Dollars, I kept hearing people say, "You will be rewarded for the sacrifice you have made because you have been so selfless!" I kept hearing those words resonate over and over in my head freshman year. When I ate alone in the dining hall or when I cried myself to sleep at night because I missed Deanna so much, I thought about those words. The entitlement. "When?" When am I going to be rewarded?!" I demanded of God. I thought that I was entitled to immediate happiness because I had obeyed what God had asked me to do: choose adoption.

Looking back, I can think of many more examples of how I thought I was entitled to something because of my actions. Since overhearing Deanna and D's comments tonight, I realize now that we are not entitled to anything in life. God knows exactly what He is doing. He works in mysterious ways, and who did I think I was to question Him?

Maybe I'm crazy, but I feel like I've grown up alot during these past 4 years. I am better able to see things that I could not see before. My boyfriend recently told me about an author who compares God's plan for us to a tapestry. Four years ago, my life was similar to looking at the back of a tapestry: the crazy strings, the unrecognizable patterns, all of the confusion. Now, I am finally able to see the front of my tapestry. It's a beautiful picture that God created...and I like what I see.

TO BE A MOTHER

Deanna never ceases to amaze me. De has been posting videos of Deanna in her gymnastics class on her Facebook page, and I just sit there in amazement watching them. I have never seen a 4-year-old with such advanced athletic skills. I don't mean to brag, but it's like she's not even human! That last sentence made me laugh a little. The thought of giving birth to a child with supernatural powers is sort of entertaining. I guess that would make me even more similar to Hester Prynn from The Scarlet Letter. Now all I need is a giant scarlet letter A to seal the deal. If you've read the book you know what I'm talking about.

Getting off track. Okay, so Deanna's a natural at every sport that she tries, but the best part is that she is enjoying every minute of it. I was definitely athletic and I loved sports as a 4-year-old, but Deanna is light years ahead of where I was. She points her toes without thinking, she has incredible balance, and she already has muscle definition in her tiny arms and legs. Robbie asked me once, "How do you think something so perfect came from the two of us?" I laughed out loud. "I have no idea," I said, thinking about the funny/dysfunctional/quirky things that are imperfect about each of us. Deanna must be a true combination of each of our absolute best qualities. Now that's a miracle!

De called me last night to chat. She said that Deanna was asked to join a gymnastics team with 6-year-olds. She also said that the mothers at the gym were absolutely amazed at her skills and they couldn't believe she's only 4. The truth is, while it's awesome that Deanna is great at gymnastics, I know that De couldn't care one way or another. She just wants Deanna to be happy. I can tell from the videos that De posted that Deanna is having a blast rolling around on the mats, swinging from the uneven bars, prancing along the balance beam, and doing crazy backwards rolls all morning long. That makes me happy.

A wonderful woman whom I got to know through Triangle Right to Life released a book yesterday called To Be A Mother. Her name is Deanna Jones (name coincidence!), and the book is about her personal experience with abortion, opening her heart to Jesus, and finally forgiving herself. She now has two biological children of her own, and she and her husband have adopted four children from different countries around the world.

To Be A Mother: Adopting God’s Heart
The Aftermath of Abortion and the Power of Redemption

Deanna Jones found herself pregnant at the age of 19. In an unstable relationship, and with a musical career starting to take off, she decided she was not ready for motherhood. “No way,” she said. “This is my life, my body.” And so she made an appointment at a local clinic. But she was not prepared for the overwhelming despair that would result. After the abortion she was left with a feeling of emptiness and loss. “Legalized abortion denied me a beautiful gift from God,” she says. “The desperation post-abortion far outweighed the desperation during my brief, unplanned pregnancy, and I was so off balance that I felt as if I would never be able to hold onto anything ever again. A part of me was missing and I would never get it back.”

There is a happy ending, however. To Be a Mother is not focused on Deanna’s loss, but rather, it is a story of redemption, resurrection, God’s grace, and His extravagant blessings. Deanna found that by facing her actions and calling out to the true Father, she would be transformed, forgiven, and enlivened. With the Lord by her side, she was able to move from a difficult childhood and a painful abortion decision to the miraculous redemption of Christ and the healing joy that came from the birth and adoption of her six children.

“The poignant and compassionate words of Deanna Jones articulate America’s latent sorrow in the aftermath of our abortion culture. Deanna’s sympathetic perception is borne from a personal encounter with grief. Listen to her and be illuminated, healed, and refreshed.”
—Troy Newman
President, Operation Rescue

“To Be a Mother truly highlights the healing presence of Christ in Deanna’s life. She eloquently travels from her painful past to her redemption and new life in Christ. This book would be an inspiration to any woman, or man, who has suffered, as Deanna has, and is searching for healing.”
—Theresa Burke, PhD
Author of Forbidden Grief: The Unspoken Pain of Abortion
Founder, Rachel’s Vineyard Ministries

“Finally, in To Be a Mother, Deanna beautifully redefines the term pro-life—pro-life and pro-adoption become one. An elegant portrayal of the choice to give redeeming love that makes receiving it in turn so much sweeter.”
—Carolyn Twietmeyer, Founder/Executive Director, Project HOPEFUL

This true story shows us firsthand that God is compassionate, illustrating the relentless nature of His pursuit to save and claim His children and allow them life everlasting. The Bible declares that the Lord will turn our mourning into gladness and our despair into praise (Is 61:3), and for Deanna Jones, this has become truth. Follow her inspirational story as she is lifted from a wounded child to a place of understanding and joy as a woman of God. To Be a Mother is a celebration of life, of motherhood, and the sanctity of life itself.

ISBN: 978-1-4327-3839-6 Format: 5.5 x 8.5 paperback
Genre: Christian Life / Women’s Issues

About the Author: Deanna Jones was born and raised in Rockford, Illinois, and is currently a bandleader and singer for the New York based band The Deanna Jones Orchestra. She considers her greatest assets to be her six children—two by birth, and four by miraculous adoption. Her web site, www.tobeamother.com, (<http://www.tobeamother.com> ) is dedicated to the miracle of motherhood, and she and her husband, Mark, are active pro-life, adoption advocates.

Amazon.com: To Be a Mother: Adopting God's Heart (9781432738396): Deanna Jones: Books

HOUSE OF HOPE OF NC

House of Hope of North Carolina opened in March of 1998 as a Christian therapeutic school, home and counseling center for hurting and troubled girls, ages 12 to 17. House of Hope has an intensive program offering Christian education and counseling for girls and their families regardless of their financial situation. Their mission is to build hope, change lives and restore families through the saving knowledge of Jesus Christ. House of Hope has an intensive program offering Christian education and counseling for girls and their families regardless of their financial situation. Their nonprofit ministry is unique because they require parents to participate in weekly counseling and weekly parenting skill workshops. When the girls enter the House of Hope program, they are expected to progress through the following phases while earning additional privileges and spending more time with their family.

Each Tuesday night, House of Hope holds Family Life Training workshops (FLT). Those in attendance are typically residents, outpatient girls, and the parents and guardians. Issues such as listening skills, conflict resolution, personality differences, and other various life skills are taught. So guess who was the guest speaker last night? Amstel. That's right...I had the privilege of sharing my open adoption story with the girls and their parents. 

There were probably about 30-35 people in attendance, and it was really cool to be able to share my experience about overcoming challenges and obstacles and getting to where I am today. Although most probably didn't relate entirely to the open adoption aspect, there were a few important lessons that I tried to get across. 

1) There are consequences for having premarital sex.

2) Abortion is not the answer to unplanned pregnancy.

3) Challenges and obstacles in life serve as a means for us to strengthen our relationship with Christ.

4) God has a plan in store for each of us, and we must learn to accept His plan.

5) You are in charge of your own happiness.

The "you are in charge of your own happiness" lesson was important for me to express because it wasn't too long ago that I was feeling the same as many of the girls I was speaking to. I remember how difficult it was for me to be happy during my freshman year, when I was miserable, depressed, and I hated my life. It took a few defining life experiences to finally push me in the right direction and start taking responsibility for my own happiness. 

When I began taking questions from the audience, a 15-year-old girl raised her hand. She told me that she was adopted, but it was a closed adoption. She asked me what goes through the mind of a birthmom when deciding to give up a child. Holy smokes! That was tough. I knew that she probably had lots of questions for her own birthmother. I searched for the right words to express how I felt when I made my decision. "It's the most difficult decision in the world," I said, "because I knew that what I wanted (to keep Deanna) and what was best for my daughter (for her to have emotional/financial stability) were two completely different things. I felt so sad and hurt because I couldn't raise my daughter myself, but I also felt proud that I was smart enough to realize that. I knew that Deanna deserved to be with a loving family who could provide all of the things I could not at the time." (Or something along those lines.)

I think she seemed pretty satisfied with my answer, and while she probably still has lots of questions for her own birthmother, I hope that it at least helped her to realize that any woman who chooses adoption is most-likely a commendable, selfless person, who simply wants the best for her child.

I WANT TO BE A "LIFEGARDEN"