JULY 11

It’s coming up sooner than I ever thought possible…Deanna is turning 4 years old next week. July 11th. I cannot believe it. How did this happen? Where did the time go? I feel like she was just a googly-eyed, bobble-headed infant yesterday. Now she’s swimming underwater in the deep end by herself, asking more and more questions about my “tummy mommy” status, and turning into such a precocious little girl. It’s hard to believe she’s not a baby anymore.

I usually refer to Deanna as “the little babe.” I think when she’s 22 years old I’ll still want to call her “the little babe.” I’m sure people probably wonder if it’s hard watching her grow up since I’m not really raising her. The answer is yes. Yes, I still have those maternal feelings of wanting her to stay little forever. But I am also so thankful that I have the opportunity to actually see her grow up.

Birthdays are always tough for me. In fact, July 11th is the most difficult day of the entire year. On Deanna’s first birthday, I went to her birthday party with my mom and all of the Leonards. I started crying when they sang “happy birthday” and I had to leave the party. I felt bad because I know that I made a lot of people feel uncomfortable. Robbie followed me down the driveway and I told him it was too much to handle. I knew I shouldn’t have gone, but I didn’t want to upset anyone by not showing up. De came out to talk with me and she made me feel so much better. I’ll always remember that heart-to-heart that we had in the driveway. I decided that birthdays were just going to be too much for me and that I shouldn’t attend any more.

On Deanna’s second birthday I was really sad. I was doing the summer nanny thing for the three cutest little girls in Raleigh, and on July 11th I suddenly came down with an awful migraine headache. I couldn’t see, my vision was blurred, and my thoughts were all jumbled together. I had to leave work and go home to sleep it off. I stayed in my room the entire day and cried and cried. I allowed myself one day of self-pity, and that was all. The next day I was absolutely fine.

Deanna’s third birthday was alot different. Deanna and her family had moved to Myrtle Beach, and they were having a big birthday celebration at their new house. Don sent me a text message a week before the party. “I know birthdays are hard for you,” he said, “but I want you to know that you are always welcome.” Then he sent a picture of Deanna biting into a huge slice of watermelon with text that read, "three years ago..." I decided to give it another try. I ended up going with my best friend Angela and the Leonards to celebrate Deanna’s 3rd birthday in Myrtle Beach. It was a milestone. I didn’t cry at the party. I could see how happy Deanna was and how much she loved her family, home, dog, everything. And I loved watching her face light up when everyone sang happy birthday. I think that's when I knew for sure that everything would be okay.

I probably won’t be able to make it Myrtle Beach this year, but I hope to plan a trip to see the little babe and celebrate her birthday soon. And I’m sure this I’ll probably shed a few tears this July 11th. But instead of viewing it as a sad day, I’m trying to stay positive. I'm starting realize that each birthday Deanna has is actually a chance for me to grow as a person and for us all to celebrate the fact that so many people have been blessed by such a wonderful little girl.

THE GIRLS WHO WENT AWAY...

I've been a bit distracted this past week. I got bit on the leg by a dog while jogging, my family's cat died, and I chipped my front tooth all in the same week. Nothing like a little blood, death, and destruction. Go ahead, laugh it up. It's actually pretty funny.

I was asked to speak at an adoption support group a few Sundays ago. The group is a support network for any person affected by adoption in the Raleigh area. We started out by saying introductions and stating how we were affected by adoption. A woman who was in her mid sixties had relinquished her daughter in a closed adoption more than 40 years ago. She had just "found" her daughter the week of our meeting. It was extremely emotional to hear about the pain and loss she had suffered as a result of the experience and how excited she was to hear her daughter's voice on the phone after 40 years. Like most women 40 years ago, she was pressured by her family to move away from her home and to give her child up for adoption. Nobody ever knew she had the baby except her family. She admitted that she has lived with so much regret and pain because she never knew what happened to her daughter. She described her life as "a living hell" since the day she gave up her daughter for adoption.

It was difficult for me to share my experience with adoption after hearing about hers. I almost felt guilty that open adoption has allowed me to escape (somewhat) those feelings of not knowing. Unlike the closed adoption situation, my experience is a lot different because 1) I wasn't forced to participate in the adoption and 2) I don't constantly wonder where my daughter is and how she is doing. Every single birth mom at that meeting agreed that they wish open adoption was an option for them. It was so tough to hear the stories of guilt and regret that these women have had to live with. I began to realize just how many women were pressured by their families and society to leave town to have their babies, relinquish their children for adoption, and then return to their homes like nothing ever happened.

I started reading a book called The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler, which is the untold history of the million and a half women who surrendered children for adoption due to enormous family and social pressure in the several decades before ROE v. WADE. The "girls who went away" are the women (like the one mentioned above) who got pregnant and were sent away by their families to have their babies and place them for adoption so nobody would ever know. The book gives voices to the women who were told they had no choice but to give up their children and have since been haunted by the loss of their children for the rest of their lives. The stories Fessler uncovered reveal the degree of pressure brought to bear on these women, the lack of compassion and guidance shown to them, and the failure to appreciate the lifelong consequences of coercing a woman to surrender her child.

My favorite quote is on page 97. "From everything I see, I think the general public believes that mothers who give their babies away are glad to be rid of them, they're glad to be rid of the problem. They think, 'She didn't care about that kid. She just wanted her out of the way so she could go on having a good time.' I've heard people say that. It's like if you have a child and you're not married, you don't have those same maternal feelings that other mothers have? I have never, ever met a mother who felt that way." -Yvonne, birthmother.

I have often felt plagued by this attitude towards birthmoms. There have been people who questioned my decision and the love I have for my daughter because I chose adoption. Does adoption mean you care about somebody less? Absolutely not. I feel that I cared about my daughter too much. Just because I had a child and I wasn't married does not mean that I don't still have the same maternal instincts.

Sometimes I feel like one of the "girls who went away" because I too left town to have my daughter. No, I wasn't forced into adoption and I wasn't trying to be secretive about it, but moving to North Carolina was an emotional escape for me. I didn't have to stick around Moon Township to deal with the negative stigma that being an unwed mother entailed. And I was happy to be out of there. When I returned, however, I obviously wasn't pregnant anymore and I didn't have the baby with me. It was almost like I had nothing to show for the pain I endured for 9 months. I was always honest about the adoption and I never tried to hide anything about it, but sometimes people were too afraid to ask about it. What happened to your daughter? Why did you chose adoption? I just wanted people to know where I was coming from and the reasons for my decision. Which is why I decided to start the open adoption blog in the first place.

The Girls Who Went Away has been incredibly difficult for me to read because it brings back so many emotions that I felt when I placed Deanna with the Dollars. I can't read it without tearing up. Some emotions are happy (remembering Dr. Anthony yelling "happy anniversary of the Slushie!" the minute Deanna was born) and some emotions are sad (remembering holding Deanna for the first time after she was born and knowing that I couldn't keep her.) But reading this book has been another small part of the healing process for me. I know that I'm not alone and that there are so many birthmoms out there who struggle with similar feelings and emotions.

As an extreme perfectionist, I have had a difficult time letting down my guard and admitting that I'm not perfect and that I still struggle every day. I have a hard time admitting that to anyone. But this blog has encouraged me to step outside of my comfort zone and to start being honest about my experience. And I will continue to do that.

Thank you for reading/following my blog...you have no idea how much it means to me!

BACK IN RALEIGH

Amstel's back in Raleigh.

Small clarification from the last blog post. My family was never disappointed about sharing time with Robbie's family. In fact, everything turned out better than we had ever planned. The last night the Dollars were in town, the Leonard and Hutton families got to spend time together with Deanna while celebrating Robbie's sister Julia's high school graduation party at the country club. The only small mishap the entire trip was that Don's flight got canceled and he didn't make it to Pittsburgh! Nevertheless, De and Deanna got to visit everyone, and Deanna got to see her Mimi (my mom), Papa (my dad), and every single other relative under the sun. Main point -- a little compromise goes a long way, and our families got along great. I didn't mean to hurt any feelings, but at the same time I have to be truthful about open adoption. The last thing I'd want to do is misrepresent it as absolutely perfect. Because it's not perfect. I won't speak for anyone other than myself from this point on, but I refuse to continue blogging if I cannot be fair in presenting all sides of open adoption. Good or bad.

I want to say a huge thank you to Robbie's grandparents for purchasing the Dollars' plane tickets and to Don, De, and Deanna for taking the time to come visit us in Pittsburgh this year.
THANK YOU!

Pictures from the trip:

SUNSHINE & RAIN

Things are going pretty good up in the 'burgh. Besides the excitement of winning the Stanley Cup last night, there's been alot going on!

When I first arrived in Pittsburgh on Thursday morning we took De and Deanna to my grandparents house for lunch. Deanna was a bit shy at first because she didn't really remember them from the last time she was here. That changed in about 5 minutes. As soon as the snacks came out Deanna was being her usual silly self. She actually has a great sense of humor for a nearly four year old. She accidentally swallowed her gum and pointed to me saying, "it was Amy Hutton's fault" because she was making a funny face at me which somehow resulted in the accidental gum swallowing. I pretended to get upset and we couldn't stop laughing. When I was little, I was the master of making up recreational lies. I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Deanna and her family have been coming to visit my family in Pittsburgh for the past three summers. Since the Leonards live in North Carolina and get to see Deanna often, it was an insanely nice gesture for the Dollars to commit to spending a whole week with my family once a year in Pittsburgh. This trip has been a bit different from past trips, however. First of all, Robbie and his family are all in Pittsburgh this week, and Robbie's grandparents, aunts and uncles, who have only seen Deanna a few times, wanted the Dollars to split time between visiting their family and ours.

My family wasn't expecting to have to share time with the Leonards this week and they felt a bit surprised because they didn't find out until right before the Dollars came to Pittsburgh. I often feel like I'm still the middle-man between two families who just want to spend time with their grandchild.

I wasn't going to include this in my blog because I didn't want to step on anyone's toes or hurt any feelings. But I promised myself when I started blogging that I would be honest with my readers because this is what it's really like. Open adoption is about compromise. It's not always easy, as I've said a hundred times. This is one of those times that I feel like I have to please everyone. Robbie's family, my family, everyone. And it sucks.

But Deanna is happy when she is visiting all of her relatives in Pittsburgh, and I can truly tell that she is having a blast. I often struggle with spreading myself too thin and trying to please everyone all the time. But I think as long as Deanna is happy I will be okay with sitting back and letting things happen the way they are supposed to. Sharing is never easy, but that's because everyone loves Deanna so much.

So here's the highlight of the trip so far: As I was strapping Deanna into her car seat when we were leaving my grandparents, she matter-of-factly told me that watermelon is her favorite food. I immediately stopped what I was doing and looked into her big brown eyes. "Really?" I asked, incredulously. De said, "tell Amy Hutton why!" And Deanna looks at me with a big mischievous smile and says, "because I ate so much of it when I was in Amy Hutton's tummy!"

Is it tough sometimes? Yes. Is it worth it? Absolutely.

ANNUAL PITTSBURGH VISIT

Wow, 19 followers already...hallelujah! Keep 'em coming!

This week marks the 3rd annual Hutton-Dollar Pittsburgh trip--i.e. Deanna and her family (Don & De) will be spending the week in Pittsburgh with my family. De and Deanna flew to Pittsburgh on Monday, Don will be flying in on Friday, and I'm flying home tomorrow (Thursday) morning.

If anyone will be in town and wants to stop by and see the babe let me know!

I'll keep you all posted on how this weekend turns out...

Check back soon for updates!

THE ABORTION CLINIC

I went to an abortion clinic for the first time last week.

Let me explain. Now that I'm working full-time as a public relations representative for a health care organization, I spend part of my day driving around and visiting doctors offices. As I was navigating my way toward the umpteenth office last Friday, I passed a van on a street that had a large graphic picture of an aborted baby. It turns out that the primary care physician's office that I was visiting was right next door to the abortion clinic in North Raleigh.

I got a sick feeling in my stomach when I got out of my car. I glanced next door and thought about the things that happened in that office. After I went into the primary care physician's office and did my PR thing, I started walking toward my car. That's when I noticed three sidewalk counselors standing outside of the abortion clinic. Sidewalk counseling is exactly what the name implies—standing on the sidewalk outside an abortion clinic, counseling women and couples on their way inside. It is a last attempt to turn their hearts away from abortion and offer real help.

I nearly got in my car and drove away, but something stopped me. I started walking towards the three men with rosaries in hand. I had always wanted to get involved in sidewalk counseling, but I always thought it would be much too intense for me to handle. One of the men actually recognized me from the News & Observer article. He told me that they had already saved two babies that morning by directing them to Birthchoice, which is a pro-life center minutes away (they offer free ultrasounds). "Really?" I asked, visibly surprised. Wow. I always knew that this happened, but abortion had never seemed so real to me.

He continued on. "We tried to stop a young woman from entering the abortion clinic earlier . Her grandmother who was accompanying her asked, "have you ever had a baby mister?" Obviously, the man never had been in that situation. He could not relate to the young woman. I couldn't help thinking that I could have shared my story with the young woman and maybe even stopped her from making that decision.

We talked for a few minutes longer, I exchanged contact info with them, and I was on my way. It was only a ten minute encounter, but I thought about that experience the rest of the day. I couldn't stop thinking about the girl and her grandmother. If I had shown up a few minutes earlier, could I have changed their minds? It was then that I decided that I wanted to get involved in sidewalk counseling. There's something so incredibly powerful in speaking from personal experience. I think it's great that there are men involved in sidewalk counseling, but the truth is that a woman simply isn't able to relate to a man telling her what to do. The fact that I am a woman and I have gone through a crisis pregnancy situation is an opportunity for me to build a connection with these women and hopefully change their minds.

I know that it's going to be emotionally draining, extremely difficult, and very uncomfortable. But...

"When one stands in front of an abortion clinic and watches a real woman walk inside to pay an abortionist to kill the baby living and growing inside her, the issue is no longer philosophical. Those who witness this recurring scene at an abortion facility cannot help but recommit themselves to the task of trying to save lives."

-http://prolifeaction.org/sidewalk/

BACK IN ACTION

Wow, first week of the new job, long weekend at the beach, and house hunting with my best friends...crazy week! I am so glad that my blog is generating so much talk about adoption! The more comments the better. I simply ask that you be respectful.

I want to share a story with you that I've only told a few people. About two years ago, I received a message on facebook from a friend I graduated high school with. She and I had a few classes together, but we never really kept in touch after graduation. So she randomly sends me a message and tells me that her mom is a labor and delivery nurse in our hometown. Her mom was assigned to assist a 17-year-old girl from our high school (I'm not sure who this girl was) as she went into labor at the local hospital. The girl started talking to my friend's mom, and she confessed that since she knew she absolutely could not raise a baby on her own, she was planning on having an abortion. However, after witnessing my entire pregnancy through high school and hearing about my experience with adoption, she ultimately decided to place her baby in an adoption. She admitted that the only reason she did not have an abortion was because of me.

I can't help but get teary eyed when I think about that. Can you imagine knowing that you saved a life? It's incomprehensible. There is a person alive today because somebody out there was impacted by seeing what I had gone through.

When I hear people say that adoption should never be an option because it causes a lifetime of emotional turmoil for the adopted child, I must disagree. Just as not every single adoption works out perfectly, not every adoption ends horribly either. There are plenty of people who have been adopted that speak positively about their experiences. I absolutely agree that parenting is the best option and I would never encourage somebody to place their child in an adoption if they were ready and willing to provide emotional and financial stability to their child...but unfortunately, there are situations that arise when emotion and financial support cannot be provided by the birth parents. So if adoption is not an option, women are left with only left with only one other option--abortion. And that is not acceptable to me. The way I see it, adoption is a way to save lives. Sure, there will always be the risk that the adopted child will have resentment toward the birth parents...but as we see with the example above, adoption has the power to save lives. I cannot speak for those on the other side of adoption who have that resentment, and my heart truly goes out to them...but I will continue to share my open adoption experience because I know that it has saved lives.

After serving as president of Real Choices, a pro-life student organization at NC State aimed to assist student moms, I saw firsthand how little support is available to women who have chosen to raise a child while completing their education. We need to provide these resources so that if a woman does want to raise her child and continue her education, she may. What usually happens is that a woman who unexpectedly becomes pregnant feels trapped and finds that she has no way to raise a child. Although she desperately wants to keep her baby, she knows that she cannot raise a child on her own, so she decides to keep the pregnancy a secret and have an abortion. If you truly believe that adoption should not be an option, I encourage you to get involved in helping young moms who do want to keep their babies. If you feel so strongly against adoption because you had a negative experience with it, I certainly hope that you find the strength to move past your experience and help others in the same situation. Because that's certainly what I've decided to do.

So, are there days that I wish I was holding Deanna's hand? Absolutely. I wouldn't be human if I didn't miss her. But by helping student moms who struggle to make ends meet and by knowing that I saved lives, I have found closure and I speak from a place of self-acceptance. I don't think I made the right decision...I know that I made the right decision. I consider myself a woman of deep faith, and I have a close and personal relationship with Jesus Christ. The day Deanna was born I made a deal with God. We talked alot about my decision. I prayed, I listened, and I made my decision based on what God told me was right. The only thing I asked of Him was that He would not let me regret my decision. Every faithful, He has not broken His promise.

Deanna will ultimately have the final say in whether our open adoption was a success. I won't put words into her mouth or speak for her. She is her own person. We can only put this in God's hands and pray that the love Deanna has been given by so many people in her life will be enough for her to accept the decision I made. God has a plan for each of us, and this is the path that He has chosen. "Having predestinated us unto the adoption of children by Jesus Christ to himself, according to the good pleasure of his will, to the praise of the glory of his grace, wherein he hath made us accepted in the beloved" -Ephesians 1:5,6

It might not be the popular thing to do--to defend life or to promote adoption--but I'm okay with that. If I were to die tomorrow, I would die knowing that I have an incredible relationship with Jesus Christ, that I gave my daughter the gift of life and a wonderful family, and most importantly, that I spent the rest of my life defending what I truly believe is right.

"Cowardice asks the question,
Is it safe?
Expedience asks the question,
Is it politic?
Vanity asks the question,
Is it popular?
But conscience asks the question
Is it right?
And there comes a time when one must
take a position that is neither safe,
nor politic, nor popular,
but he must make it
because his conscience
tells him that it is right..."
-Martin Luther King