Thoughts on parenting

Last week I had the opportunity to photograph a birth, and it was the most beautiful thing and has absolutely left me changed - to have witnessed such a monumental thing and also such a basic thing of life. Wow. I can now say I have seen someone be born and I have also seen someone die. Someone entering this world and someone leaving it. Weird and amazing and full circle and certainly makes you think about mortality. Anyway.

Back in December I reached the ripe old age of 27, and as of last month, Matthew is 34. And we are childless. Not due to infertility, though I know that could potentially be an issue down the road, especially since my eggs aren’t getting any younger and all that. Nay, we are childless because, up until now, we have not been ready for a child, for various reasons that I will not delve into here today.

Family members have been reasonably patient and non-pressuring in regards to our child-free-status, until recently when Matthew’s grandmother expressed what has likely been on everyone else’s mind. We were at Christmas, and I was holding a cousin’s baby while Matthew sat beside me watching it cautiously. His grandma walked by, stopped short, raised her eyebrows, and said, “Do you need instructions on how to make one of those?” Our anniversary card from her this year also contained similar sentiments. A spitfire, that woman, gotta love her.

The truth of the matter, though, is that we are both so torn about children and parenthood and all that it entails. Having a child involves a certain amount of dying to self, which means that at some point in the process I, for one, would likely have to relinquish my status as the most selfish person I know.

Also, I already have trouble completing all my tasks for the day, between running my business and running a home and running a meager  social life, and if we were to add a child into that mix, I know something would have to give. It would most likely be my business, which makes me really, really sad. Because it fulfills me and gives me so much joy and confidence as a human being.  Everything I read about motherhood seems to say that your children become your everything. You live them and breath them from dawn to dusk and then all throughout dusk, too, until it’s dawn again. There seems to be such little time for anything else outside of parenting, and that prospect has just not been attractive to us so far.

I guess I just want to be comfortable and at peace with how my role will change when we become parents. There is nothing wrong with being a mom without much time for anything else. It’s natural and normal and good. But is it good for me? That’s what I’m trying to figure out.

Truth is, I have baby fever something fierce, and if I got pregnant tomorrow, I’d be beyond excited. But that dying to self part? Not too excited about it. And I wonder… can you be a mom, and a good one, and still have time for your own interests? And still maintain a strong identity outside of your children? And still run a successful business? Or is it one of those things where there’s like three categories but you can only pick two?  You can’t have all three without making major sacrifices in each department?

All I know is that I’m happier now than I have ever been. More sure of my direction and, well, myself. My relationship with my husband has finally come to a place of peace and evening out, and we kind of just want to enjoy that for a while. So for now, we remain childless. And a bit terrified of being parents. But I think we both know that our family is missing someone, or multiple someones. We know we’re on the edge of some vast precipice, but just haven’t quite gotten to the part where you take the leap.

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Workaholic

The other day I was accused of being a “workaholic,” and while my first instinct was to react (badly, of course), I chose not to really react at all, and instead just sort of let this accusation marinate a bit. Thought about it, weighed it out, asked myself if this was a good or a bad thing, what it means for people in my life… etc, etc. I’ve been thinking about it ever since, so naturally, I had to blog it out. How does anyone without a blog sort out all their feelings? I have no idea. ;)

Lately I have found myself in this strange quandary where I always feel busy, always feel behind, can never fully enjoy being in the moment because my brain is always ten steps ahead of me, pushing me, propelling me forward, causing me a perpetual sense of anxiety and inability to be fully present in anything. I always feel like the crazed rabbit from Alice In Wonderland… “We’re late, we’re late! For a very important date!” and I’d need more than two hands to count all the times I’ve said to someone in my life lately “I’m so BUSY. I’m so BEHIND on work.” In other words, “I don’t have time for you.” 

AND I HATE THAT. I don’t want to be that person. No one likes that person. I think, after mulling it over a while, I’ve decided that being a workaholic isn’t necessarily a bad thing depending on the context, but in my case, I think it IS a bad thing. I need desperately to learn balance. I think it’s especially hard for a young business owner to find balance when there is ALWAYS more to be done. The future of your business is 100% in YOUR hands. Each and every responsibility that comes with running your business (in my case, marketing, communication with clients, packaging design, shipping, contracts, web design and copy, bookkeeping  [or lack thereof], location scouting, shooting, editing, networking, rebranding, blogging sessions, planning for the future, etc, etc, etc - not including ANYTHING to do with running this blog and creating good content here!) falls entirely into YOUR lap, and no one else’s. It really cannot be delegated, unless you hire an intern. You must simply sit down to your work each day, accomplish as much as you can in order of priority, and when it’s time to clock out at 6:00 o’clock or whenever you decide to call it a day, it’s so important to say to yourself “I did all I could today, and I am proud of my work. My work is not finished, but it will never be. And that’s OK. Tomorrow I will chip away at more, and everything will be OK. But now, NOW I will go be present in my home and in my REAL life with people I love.”

So much easier said than done. But today I’m asking myself for grace. And calm. And peace. I want to ENJOY my work. And then I want to ENJOY my life. At the end of this day, my work will not be finished. I will not be “all caught up.” I don’t think “all caught up” will exist for me anymore. But it IS important to understand when work is done for the day. It IS important to stop using the “busy” language.  YOU create the environment you exist in. You create it with your words and with your actions. With how much work you take on, and the price tag you place on your time. So my project now is to be mindful of creating that serenity I so crave in my life. To choose it and embody it and be it, for myself and those around me.

Amen, and amen. 

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8 PM on Thursdays

Oh man, you guys... I am writing this on Thursday evening, just after a phone call with my sweet Grandpa. Over the holidays he was in town with us from his home in Oregon, and I had the opportunity to listen and write down his answers to about the first half of the questions in this book. I had given the books to him and my Grandma each for Christmas last year, only she passed away suddenly in March, as many of you know, and I will never get to hear or read those priceless answers. But on Christmas Eve this year we took out his Grandpa book, and I started to ask and listen and write, and where before he had been incredibly, tangibly "low" as he faced his first Christmas in sixty-some years without the love of his life, we watched and noticed as his spirits were visibly lifted during and after answering the questions. He was telling his story. He was revisiting memories he'd had no cause to revisit in maybe years or decades. He was being listened to, and cared about.

During the time my Grandpa was there staying at my mom's, Matthew and I moved out and into our new home, and a few days later we had them over for dinner at the new place.

"Are you going to interrogate me again tonight?" My Grandpa asked hopefully, and I laughed. "Absolutely!" Again, it was so sweet to see how much he seemed to be enjoying this.

But we didn't get to finish the book, so I offered to call him every Thursday evening at 8 PM my time and 6 PM his, and we'd go over a few of the questions each chat. His home phone in Oregon must have rang at about 5:59, and he picked up after barely two rings... most likely waiting by the phone.

"Hello?" He said.

"Hi Grandpa!"

"Jen?"

"Yep, it's me! Ready for your interrogation?"

And you guys, I cannot even tell you how much it touched me tonight, to chat for 22 minutes with a man who should have died in the Korean War, but didn't... a man without whom I wouldn't exist. I can't tell you how much it touched me to hear him re-tell the story of how he met my Grandma. How he first laid eyes on her in the hallway of their Passaic Valley, New Jersey high school, after he got back from the war. She was with at least three other girls, he said, but he locked eyes on her. "If it's possible to fall in love at first sight," he told me, his voice breaking as it often does, "I fell in love. She was it, my whole life."

There's probably about a month's worth of Thursday phone calls left, but I don't know, I might just make up my own questions so it lasts longer. It is such an honor and a privilege to take that time. I know it's helping him through an incredibly difficult time, and somehow, it's helping me too. We so often live in such a world of ME ME ME, so focused on our own issues and endeavors and hurts and pains and joys, that we forget to reach out and be there for the people who were put in our lives to be there for. Don't ignore your grandparents - make time for them, get to know them, love on them. I wish I had done that more for my Grandma, but I'm content to know she knew that I adored her, and it really feels like the right thing to do, to help care for my Grandpa's heart in her absence.

Happy Friday, my friends, and thank you as always for listening to my thoughts... :)

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Don't hate me, but I hate weddings

Well, the cat's out of the bag. I hate weddings. PHEW. There, I said it! This little nugget of personal truth has been festering in me for some time now - really, ever since my own wedding, I suppose. But there it is. I don't like 'em. I'm not a fan. Sure, they can be totally gorgeous and fun for guests (I do enjoy attending them occasionally! Free food and booze! Celebration of love!), and I love looking at beautiful wedding photography, but there's always this little nagging voice in my mind that's like, seriously? 

Let me back up.

I was never one of those girls who dreamed about her princess-perfect wedding from the age of Barbies onward. I think the first time I thought about my wedding was, literally, after Matthew proposed to me. Then I was like, "oh shit! We'll need a wedding!" 

And from there on out, it was just a totally stressful affair, because A) I am not an event planner, B) hiring one wasn't in our budget, C) no really, I truly SUCK at planning events, and organizing little details goes directly against the grain of my personality, D) I was in the last semester of my senior year of college, working almost full time, and working an internship part time, E) my groom was living in California, and F) I DON'T EVEN LIKE WEDDINGS. 

So then all of this weird stuff started happening, like resentment because we couldn't afford the most gorgeous flowers and the most fantastic wedding favors and the most stunning venue. 

And frustration because everyone had an opinion, and it seemed like mine and Matthew's should be the only ones that mattered. 

And annoyance over arbitrary traditions and rules that everyone seems to follow like sheep, never asking "Why? Does this apply in modern day weddings? Does this work for our situation?" 

And money down the drain for things that poof! and disappeared the moment the wedding was over and everyone rushed home to watch the Super Bowl (because yes, our wedding was on Super Bowl Sunday afternoon - a direct consequence of having ME plan ANY event, ever).

Now, it may just sound like I'm bitter over my own personal issues with weddings. And in many ways, my own experience certainly does play a role. But I recently read this article, and it perfectly voiced how I feel and what I could never say as eloquently. 

"Imagine for a moment if weddings were prohibited, or better yet, if you could only have one after 10 years of marriage. How much money would be saved? More importantly, how many ill-advised unions would never happen in the first place?"

"And what if, as a society, we celebrated other milestones instead? Wouldn't it be amazing if college graduations were given the wedding treatment? If the commencement ceremony included a $3,000 dress and a $70-a-plate dinner for friends and family who came in from all over the country? Photographers, flowers, dancing, a band?"

Amen to that! And no one will ever take your degree away. Whereas, statistically, your marriage license only has a 50% likelihood of staying in force for a lifetime. 

I don't think weddings are all bad. I think, for some people, it can be a super joyous planning process, and perhaps you've saved for it or your family has saved for it, and so the money isn't an issue. I guess all I'm saying is that I hope you unmarried ladies out there will really think it over before allowing  yourself and your family to bleed copious amounts of cash out into your wedding, and before you allow the planning of it to take over your life and put undue stress on your relationships, or cause others (bridesmaids, groomsmen) a financial burden they maybe can't afford (they may be in other weddings, as well, and that gets SO pricey!). Before you put the planning of a wedding before the planning of a life. HERE is another really beautiful article with REAL TALK about marriage, which I highly recommend you read. No two marriages are alike, but it's really wise to be prepared for what will inevitably happen at some point after riding off into the sunset.

What are your thoughts? Love weddings? Hate them? Sound off if you have something to contribute to the conversation!

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The materialism struggle (#firstworldprobs)

Ugh. This time of year, you guys. Specifically this year this time of year. Do you struggle with materialism? I do. Always have, probably always will.

This is not a post about what some might deem the deeper and more important things in life - about poverty or addiction or abuse or true suffering. It's just about one girl's struggle with materialism, and who's to say that's not an important thing in life, I guess. A struggle is a struggle.

The truth is, I like stuff. We have this plaque in our bedroom that says "the best things in life are not things," and I jokingly tell Matthew that I disagree... terrible to even joke about, I know.  But I do value aesthetics and the way nice things make me feel, and I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with that, in itself. I like to support those who make beautiful products that make life nicer for others, and I like to enjoy said products. But there's such an undefinably small line between just wanting beautiful, useful things in your life and always pining, pining, pining after the next thing.  How do you find the line? How do you keep to the conservative side of it? How do you not live your whole life working just to enjoy things? Is there really anything wrong with that, if you place a high value on people and health, as well?

I feel like this struggle is always at its absolute peak for me around Christmastime, when the push is on to buy, buy, buy, and stores are pulling out all the stops and wafting the best aromas just under your nose. It's this feeling of not having enough, which I know is an absolute lie. It's the push to buy gifts for others because it's the traditional thing to do, when you really can't afford it and should just say so.

This year I find myself systematically unsubscribing from store emails and purposefully avoiding Instagram and gift guides, just to eliminate that feeling of yearning for things. I haven't had time to shop for Christmas gifts even yet, and Christmas is in less than a week. Oh, and we should be closing on our house Saturday or Monday, so the next week will be a liiiiittle busy. At this point, I'm thinking about just bucking the whole system and skipping it this year. Not buying into the consumerism, since it absolutely isn't adding peace to my life. And isn't that what Christmas is supposed to be about? Peace? Unless you have all your shopping done by Decemeber 1st, which, let's face it, will never happen for me, there doesn't seem to be much peace around the holidays, and I crave that as much as I crave the ridiculous little blue ceramic fruit cartons at Anthrolpogie. Damnit.

This has very much just been a stream of consciousness type of post, so thanks for hanging in there. Believe me, I fully realize that I have a beautiful life and so much to be thankful for. I realize that even admitting this type of struggle will cause some people to bristle because, duh, it's pathetic. But unfortunately it's reality for so many of us in this day and age... and I'm thankful to at least recognize it for what it is, which is the first step to keeping it under control.

Hope you find peace and a reprieve from the consumerism over the next few days leading up to Christmas.... Happy Thursday... :)

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I am alive... and 27

Last week was something else, you guys. Something. freaking. else. Let's do this in bullet point form:

- 457 photos edited, uploaded, and delivered on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday alone. 

- A gazillion emails flying back and forth to clients. 

- Our truck was broken into and over $1500 worth of stuff stolen, including Matthew's wedding ring. I know, idiot move to leave that much valuables in the car, but it was a total fluke thing (and a long story). I've never been burglarized before, and it's such a gross feeling. Someone came right up into my mom's driveway and totally hit the jackpot with our vehicle, all while we slept just feet away. So much of Wednesday consisted of police reports and generally feeling gross.

- My 27th birthday, which I spent traveling to Wyoming for one of my best friend's wedding. 

- First walk-through on our house, which I missed because I was traveling. 

- Wyoming. Effing FRIGID. I will never complain about being cold here in Texas again.  Our "cold" is literally 50 full degrees or more warmer than their cold. The day we got there, the low was NEGATIVE 17. You step outside, and you can literally feel your snot instantly crystallizing and turning to ice in your nose.

- Celebration with friends. Photos in the snow. Memories.

I flew into San Antonio last night, and made the drive home to Austin as soon as I picked my car up from a friend's house. I don't think I fully realized how overwhelmed I've been feeling, in so many senses, until I was about three-quarters of the way home, and I just started crying my eyeballs out. How am I 27 already? How is my sweet and silly friend Kelly already married? Why does life have to spread us so thin and so far apart? When did we all grow up? 

I got home late, at almost midnight, and my little shadow, Cooper, was awake and there to greet me and welcome me home. As I loved all over him and kissed him and squished him, I started sobbing again (at which point he started shaking violently - poor little guy hates it when I cry). And I felt sad and hopeful and grateful all at one. I don't know what 27 will hold. A new home for sure. A baby? Maybe. Big changes, I'd bet on it. For myself. For my business. For my family. For my friends. 

I want to be a better version of myself this year. I want to put a higher price tag on my time and talent, so I'm not so overwhelmed all the time (more on that later). I want to be more present for my friends and family. I want to be healthier than ever. I want to be more kind. I want to grow up a little. That doesn't mean not having fun (quite the contrary!). But I want to be more comfortable in my skin, and more confident in my abilities. Slower to speak, quicker to forgive, better at love.

Easier said than done, of course. But 27? Bring it on.

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Are you living up to your potential?

Yesterday I wandered downstairs here at good ol’ Mom’s house, like I do several times per day for a coffee break or a lunch break or a potty break (for the dogs), and suddenly the question of living up to one’s potential entered my mind.

I am vaguely aware of the fact that some people in my life, particularly in my past, pre-married life, probably think to themselves things like, “Jenni is so intelligent… had so much potential… and now look at her. A photographer and blogger? What happened??”

’Tis true. I was the brainy one in college - straight A’s across the board, graduated Magna Cum Laude, the whole bit. I was destined for great things, and blah, blah, blah. But don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I don’t think I’ve done anything worthwhile since college. Quite the contrary, in fact. But I am saying that people’s perceptions of whether or not you’re living up to your potential don’t always match up with reality.

As I was pouring my little cup of french press coffee yesterday, pondering this question of potential and living up to it, I decided quite indefinitely that I am, indeed, living up to my potential, even though some people might not perceive what I’m doing as thus.

I think a lot of people in creative careers face this issue, but the truth of the matter is that owning your own business, whether it’s a successful law practice or a greeting card company or a professional blog, takes brains and skills that not everyone possesses. The same skills that earned me straight A’s in college are building me a successful photography business currently - one that will stand out from the crowd and succeed when so many others fail.  For some people, it's just difficult to understand the concept of working for one's self. If you can't say "I work at Such and Such doing Such and Such With My Degree," they're like, "huh? So, you don't have a job, then?"

The point of this post isn’t to toot my own horn, but rather it is to encourage YOU. I know so many of my readers are at a similar place in life as I am, and it’s a place and time when you really start to question this idea of living up to potential. And I guess I just wanted to encourage you to remember that the only standard you must meet is your own - the only path you should follow is the one your heart leads you on. Whether that’s a career in medicine or law or art or PR or writing or photography or being a mom or… or… or… you tell ME.

Just some food for thought. Do you think you’re living up to your potential, and if not, what’s stopping you?

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